New Feelings
by WaitingForLightning
Summary: Paige McCullers is straight and new at Rosewood High. Still she can't hide her attraction towards Emily Fields. Maybe less straight than she first thought?
1. Chapter 1

I was laying on my bed, all my boxes and suitcases around me. I was too tired to carry them out today. I heard my door click open, my brother walked in. He laid a handfull of cash on my night stand. I stood up without saying anything. He stood up, put his hat back on and walked with me outside. I knew when I would come back my stuff would be gone only what I would take with me would be left which is almost nothing. My brother feels guilty for leaving me behind, he's starting college in another state and I am staying here in Pennsylvania. He took care of me when our parents died, I was lucky he was 18 so I could stay with him. It took some convincing on my part but he finally applied for college. I will get through sophomore year at a new school a few towns away. I will move in this very cheap building and a simple room. I was on my way to say goodbye to my best friend and my boyfriend. I'll only be two hours away but I can't deny the feeling that we will drift apart. Seeing my boyfriend was bittersweet. I knew that the next minutes in my life would be some of the hardest I'll ever have to get through. Having to say goodbye to my hometown, boyfriend, and my friends. Then questioning how I would pack up all my belongings and leave my brother left me heartbroken.

Ellie stared at me silently for a long time before bursting out of tears, nothing will be the same when I leave her house. I have been here for a while my boxes are probably long gone to my new place. I am brokenhearted over leaving James and we weren't even going steady. That was my fault still it hurts to leave all what is familiar and known behind. If all I can do is being his friend then I will be his best friend. I don't know how to turn off my feelings, I don't know how to unlove someone. Sill breaking up is good. I can be free without having something pulling me back in my new life.

I wrestle with the same things when I look at my best friend. I showed her the silver heart-shaped ring I got from James, I know girls will be in line now still I appreciate him giving my Valentines present to me and not to the first one passing by. Then the doorbell rung. We had to part ways.

In the morning I, Paige McCullers will be expected at Rosewood High.

My brother drove me to Rosewood. All my normal years seem to vanish, I will be on my own figuring out who's really worth my trust. Thinking back about the events of the last couple of months make me cry, I considered making me a new identity. I don't want to tell my new classmates that I was having sex for the first time when across town my parents were dying. I wasn't sure what to do, only I was horribly embarrassed by the way I showed up at the hospital. Since then I wanted a lot of physical space between James and I.

I tried to keep my face neutral while eating this hamburger with view on my new home. My stomach was turning. My brother kept silent, I only want him to know that I don't blame him not at all. He should start this semester at College and I'm very proud of him. I know he did everything he could to keep me home, where I knew everything. Rosewood was the closest cheapest thing we found to live on my own. I never said a bad word, not wanting to hurt him and maybe it was my life plan to come here maybe it's destiny who knows.

It was nice to have his help to get me settled in but it was okay. "Tom you can go. I'll be fine. I can do this." I assured him. We said our goodbyes between tears, as soon he closed the door I broke down. I'm not sure I can do this.

I woke up and felt sick to my stomach, even more so when I checked the time. I got changed and walked immediately to school, not sure how long it will take me. My room consists of a sofa, fridge desk, one huge mirror, thank god my own bathroom, a few closets and a single bed. Well its better then nothing. Cooking or chilling is downstairs in the main area. I try to hide myself in my oversized hoodie, you don't have to ask what kind of creepy people stay here. As I walked out the door I tripped over someone sleeping on the pavement. Great just great. I looked at the young guy with long hair, he didn't seem to move. Still cautious of my new environment I decided to head to my new school straight away.

I searched out a quiet place to spend the next thirty minutes with my headphone and some food my brother left behind. But then a guy stepped directly in my sight.

"You're new right? Hey! You're the new girl right? What's your name?" My heart beats so loudly that I think I have answered him. When he asks me again I realize I have not. "I'm Paige." I stammer. "Cool. I'm Sean Ackard. " I look away, I try not to be intrested in his presence. I can't deny that he's handsome though. "Do you need help finding your next class?" He asked me. "Do you need someone to guide you around? If you have time at lunch I would love to show you around and introduce you to some people." His smile is genuine or I think so. "I have to talk to a certain Coach then." He looked at me to explain some more, well more never came. I wasn't that interested.

I was more interested in the blonde who kept distracting the darker girl from paying attention. They caught my eye as soon I walked in English class, after introducing myself to my new English teacher Mr Fitz. I took a seat in the back of the class. My mind was full of my own thoughts no way I can take in all this new English information. I try to scan every classmates face. On the right of the room are four girls, one of them follows our teacher's every move. Two of them are taking notes, and the other one, again that blonde, seems to be annoyed by the fact the darker girl isn't paying attention to her. The thing that's been bugging me is not the blonde girl her constantly talking but her damn face. I feel it in my stomach I know her from somewhere. Where do I know her from? The thought of the golden blonde wouldn't leave me alone.

The thought that someone from my so called past would see me here in Rosewood did go through my mind only I didn't know it would happen. I worked on the way here on my new identity, more on the information about myself that I'm willing to tell.

I was walking over the parking lot, trying some new ways to go to my new home. There must be a shorter route than the one I walked this morning. Loud talking came from the other side of the lot. A few guys obviously trying to impress some girls. I didn't get a good look in class but I'm pretty sure it were the four girls that were seated the row in front of me. The darker girl was standing in my direction, talking animated with the blonde who may haunt my thoughts for a long time. I just have to remember where I know her from.

I started to smile. I looked around, no one was around me. I smiled some more. The darker girl was smiling at me, not looking away. She had the most beautiful smile ever. I was mesmerized. "Paige! You need a ride home?" Sean was standing next to just the perfect black car, I would rather get in than walk but who is this Sean guy really and why is he so nice? Also this kind of rich boy cars might no be appreciated in my new neighborhood. I politely declined and continued my walk home.

I was shaking my head trying to keep me awake on my way home. I feel exhausted. When I reached my building I hesitated on going inside. The guy I tripped over this morning, was still there. Shaking from the cold, wearing a ripped jeans and an old black sweater. He looked homeless also young. I was talking myself into being brave and fearless, I won't live here long if I'm scared. "Excuse me. Do you have somewhere to be?"

I let the guy inside, his growling stomach decided our destination. I gave him all the food and drinks I could miss. He was too hungry to use his mouth for talking that was clear. "Thank you that was delicious!" Delicious? Dry sandwiches? Wow he mustn't have eaten in days. Next up was his body scent, when that was gone I might not have to try so hard to be close to him. I saw a glimpse of him shirtless and just wrapped in a towel.

He is young, looks decent. Not your average homeless guy at all. "I'm Paige." I finally said. All my questions could come off offensive or fired back at me. I didn't feel like sharing emotional wise, my stuff fine. "I'm Caleb. I don't usually sleep here I do pick other streets sometimes and occasionally I have a bed." He tried to make it sound as a joke, my instinct knew better.


	2. Chapter 2

It was way too early for day two. I stumbled out of bed, tripped on a pair of shoes to land on my face. I was greeted by laughter. The good thing was he's awake. "I have to go to school. Come on Caleb let's go." I was moving around trying to get ready. Minutes were passing by. Caleb hadn't moved from his spot on the sofa. He looked rather sad. Of course the famous situation when you invite a homeless dude over whether they rob you or don't want to leave. Here's the latter. Oh god. "Caleb I really need to go, you can come back after school?" I might have a too big heart and it's freezing at night. Weird enough he gave me his phone number, the guy owns a lot of phones. Once again I remember to not ask any questions yet.

"Good morning, do you need help finding your class today?" Sean gave me a heart attack appearing out of nowhere like that. I pushed my locker door aside to see the face belonging to the voice. The next thing I knew, he was walking right next to me. His voice was really loud, he put his arm around me. I shook him off. My heart was pounding, I felt my face burning. "No that's okay." I stopped down the hall in front of a large classroom, I was about to say my goodbyes when it seemed he was in this class too. Great. As we walked in, I noticed the blonde girl and her friends. Their eyes were on Sean, and I have to say Sean looked like he was praying. Praying to disappear. I saw the opportunity and took it, I took the spot next to him.

"Do you know those girls? They seem in all off my classes, and always together." Sean nodded, not looking to the girls I was pointing at. "Spencer, Emily, Aria and Hanna. Yeah always together." I noticed he didn't really answer my question. "I used to date Hanna." I frowned my eyebrows. Hanna. "The blonde." Sean added. So the blonde goes by Hanna. "Do you mean Marin?" I gasped. "Yeah, you know her?" My mouth was agape, Hanna Marin. The ghost from the past.

Those four girls seemed to haunt me everywhere. After lunch I jogged through the halls into class, I wasn't late. Just on time. I plopped into the first available seat I spotted. I looked at my neighbor and saw the most beautiful girl on the planet. Sean told me her name was Emily. She caught my eye and smiled, I tore my eyes away. My cheeks felt warm. She chuckled, she might have noticed the blush on my face. What's going on? Why does she make me feel little again? Class seemed to last for a year not an hour. That's because I tried to ignore Emily, who distracted me. Her little drawings in her book, playing with her hair, sighing every time she turned a page. It was cute. I decided to participate in class, and took for the first time real notes.

I still threw her quick glances every five minutes, she was seeming to do the same thing. We didn't talk, just being awkward. When I caught her staring, she didn't look away as I expected. Instead she continued staring, this time looking deep in my eyes. I lost the contest, I couldn't handle the tension she brought here. I hope this isn't a mean game to throw off the new kid. But her eyes are so kind. When the bell rang I threw my books in my bag and started to walk out of the classroom. I was overthinking every second of the past hour. I played with the ring James gave me. I sighed when I remembered the homework I was supposed to catch up on tonight and oh yeah then there was Caleb who probably would take me up on my word and be waiting for me. What do I have to do with him?

"Let me take you out somewhere tonight!" I shook my head, silently grateful for my homework excuse. I started working on it, sighing. "I can't do this shit." Caleb looked up. "Give it here." I got up, he took a seat and starting answering the questions without much thinking. Wow. That isn't just a homeless guy. I still didn't feel that comfortable, yet I felt kind of safe. He isn't a random homeless guy. "Okay done. Now since tomorrow is Valentine's Day, we already celebrate it today. To make it less hard for the single ones." I raised my brow. "We?"

"Yeah, Rosewood." Oh okay. I got changed and before I knew it I sat in a cab with Caleb. He was paying since he found some money on the ground today. "Where are we going?" Apparently to the famous Bridget. "I don't mean to be rude, but why do you want to go to this party so badly?"

"Free food and drinks. Parties are the best thing for my stomach." Of course, I should've known it. We walked inside, following the noise coming from the basement. People were grinding into each other, others were eating and drinking, in the back students formed a circle. Clearly playing a game, apparently I stood in the middle of the game after being here for fifteen minutes. Great, I lost Caleb which caused me to wander around and end up in the middle of a freaking circle and now I'm blindfolded and guided into a damn closet. A voice warned me to not peek, I was told someone will join me soon.

If I wasn't freaking out already I completely lost it when I heard the same voice say. "Enjoy your seven minutes in heaven." The closet got closed once again. I felt warm breath on my neck, my body was tensing up. My mind was racing, my heart was close to get a failure. Could it be Sean? I didn't see him here, neither another handsome man. What kind of guys would play this game anyway? Horny ones or nerds? My breaths were uneven, I started to shake when gentle hands reached behind me to unfold me and let the blind see.

I blinked a few times, I grasped the stuff at the side. My legs were giving me away, I was shocked. "I fancy seeing you here." She smiled. "I haven't introduced myself properly if I'm right. I'm Emily." I was drowning into her eyes. "P-Paige."

We can act like friends to make being locked in a closet less awkward or give in to the created sexual tension they created by locking us in here. I decided to sit on the ground next to her. "Who invited you?" She asked very friendly. "Caleb." She looked like she was weighing his name. "Caleb Rivers?" I shrugged. We hadn't really done last names yet. "So he's here? Wow I thought he disappeared from earth." I might get a lot of answers about Caleb in 7 minutes and maybe about Hanna. Would she ever have mentioned me? Probably not.

She smelled strong. Alcohol. Tipsy for sure. "I was thinking you were the hottest girl I'd seen around in a long time." She confessed. "You smell so good." I chuckled. I showed her the peppermints in my pocket. "Oh." She blushed. "So stranger where are you from?"

"Pennsylvania." Emily laughed. "Interesting."

"So won't nobody be pissed off that you disappeared?" She shook her head violently no. "Nope, single at Valentine's Day. My ex-girlfriend is a bitch." Wait what? Did she just say girlfriend? The looks, the words, the leaning with her head on my shoulder. It means something different to her than to me, well I have to remember it might mean something different. Okay. Thank god, she was rambling on and didn't notice the little alarm in my head. "What about you?" I spaced back in this moment just in time to answer her question. "We broke up when I moved here." Emphasizing the word boyfriend here just felt wrong. I don't want to stab her not in any way. I fidgeted with my heart shaped ring. "You're so beautiful you shouldn't be alone on this day." I leaned closer to her and gave her a kiss on her cheek. She was grinning from ear to ear.

"Here." I took my ring off my finger and slide it on hers. "Happy Valentines Emily." Bridget opened the door, time is up. I reached out to help her on her feet. "Do you want to dance?" The slow song sent alarms to my head. "I probably should find Caleb. She looked disappointed, I stepped closer to her and pulled her in a hug. "Bye." I whispered. I looked at her face one more time before I left, she smiled back. "We're good?" "You're good." I blushed at her huskily voice.


	3. Chapter 3

The day dragged on, leaving a hungry ache in my stomach. I slept through breakfast, I was exhausted last night. Caleb woke me up, we went to the store do some shopping since all the food was gone. Damned Caleb. Not only this became a ritual also I got used to the new people in my high school. It's only week two and I feel pretty good here. Mainly thanks to Caleb, I might be on my own in school but it's great to have a friend after school. I do have made some friends where I can sit with during lunch. It all started on Monday when I found a rose in my locker, after that I tried to not run away from Sean anymore. He's a very nice guy, amazing to get to know him. I do keep in mind he wants to go on a date, but not yet.

And also there was Emily, this model worthy girl with diamond eyes and a contagious smile. We haven't really spoken this week, she shyly waves when she sees me and for some reason I get flustered every single time. When I looked over her table I saw Hanna narrowing her eyes looking at me closely. Just like I did last week, only I might be a step ahead.

"Do you want to go out with me tonight?" My mind was racing. "Sorry I already have plans." This was to be honest a hard decision to make. If I would go with my heart I would say yes, he's sweet not creepy and handsome but for whatever reason someone else stole my mind. "We can go grab a coffee Saturday morning? Before football practice, what do you think?" Sean asked.

"Paige McCullers!" Everyone was getting back to class, I froze in the crowd when someone called my name. My jaw nearly dropped to my feet. Hanna Marin, the girls voice brought everything back. My first camp buddy. She agitated the people around us, not caring she stumbled through to me. She squealed and hugged me. It was the same full on hug she used to give me back when we were little, between building camps, surviving in the woods, staring campfires. My head was filled with so many questions. I want to know how everything went after the last camp we saw each other about eight years ago. What happened to her? How are her parents? What's up with Sean? Who are the girls always around her? And Emily. I was so flabbergasted I couldn't get a single word of my mouth.

"I can't believe that it's you! When I heard Emily talking about this new girl Paige, I was like no way I know a Paige! You have changed so much, your hair! Red looked good on you but this damn girl!"

I laughed. Yes this was Hanna, for sure. "You're the one everyone is talking about, you're the catch here." I said. "Is this a flirt attempt?" Hanna winked. What did she know? What did Emily tell her? Does she think I flirt full on with girls or am a lesbian? "Sean asked me out." I blurted out. "So he's not gay than." She answered after her face fell. That was so last minute, right now she dragged me in class. I was seated next to her, she passed notes to me none stop with questions. I felt good and cared about. I watched Hanna talking to Emily not so long ago all through class. Now I'm the victim. But in a good way, it makes me feel less alone.

We were utterly happy and not paying attention in class at all. I opened her last note and couldn't keep a giggle inside. I looked at her and followed her eyes, landing on Sean. I re-read her note saying that someone's been studying me. Her next notes were why he's such a great guy. I looked at her puzzled, she just shrugged. His blond hair, his perfect eyes, his athletic built body, I let my eyes drawn over his body.

I had to grow some balls and meet him at Saturday morning for coffee.

I wanted to stay in bed, burry my face in my pillow and stay like that forever. It wasn't because I was tired. I don't want to go because I know what is going to happen, I'm not settled in yet and what if I like Sean? I don't want to add something new in my life when I just turned it all upside down.

I walked in the coffee shop I looked up and saw Sean sitting near the door. I walked over and sat down across of him. "Hey, thanks for coming." He smiled.

I flashed him a smile. "So a couple days ago you told me you had to see the coach. How did that go? What team?" He asked concentrated. "I wanted to try out for the field hockey team. Coach didn't really have much time to hear me out."

"Good morning, what can I bring you?" I looked up and saw Emily, of course she had to work here. Sean let me order first, only I had trouble to speak. I pretended to have trouble deciding what to order. I was aware I was staring at her dark brown hair, slight messy look but she pulled it off perfectly. Her darker skin was glancing, and her eyes the most beautiful ever. For a moment I thought how lucky a human could be if someone like her showed interest in you.

She's way too beautiful. She's the kind of girl people want and envy. I admired her beauty and was wondering if her heart would be pure too. No wait no. I don't admire her beauty she's a girl! I must look like an idiot staring at her like that but she was doing the same thing. I gulped when I saw the ring on her finger. I came back to reality to see a blush on Emily's face and a questioning glance on Sean's.

"Do you want to play 20 questions to get to know each other better?" Sean asked as soon we managed to order. "Of course." I smiled feeling nervous.

"So where did you live before?" He asked. "Allentown."

"How old are you?" I asked.

"16. You?" "Same."

We went back and forth with a couple more questions, we had a few interests incoming. I loved sports it keeps me going, same thing counts for him. He moved his hand towards mine on the table, smile as our hands touched. It was a nice feeling. I smiled for a second. A short second. Emily put our coffees on the table without a word.

"So who's turn is it to ask a question?" I asked blushing. His grip hardened on my hand. I pulled away and combed it through my hair. I quickly turned to look over my shoulder, I couldn't read Emily's facial expression. "What's your favorite food?" I asked him. "Sushi. It's the best." He said leaning back in his chair.

"It sounds good, but I never tasted it." I confessed, taking a sip from my coffee.

"Are you serious? Can't be! We should go sometime." He suggested. I nodded. "Yeah that would be fun." I set my drink back down. "Your turn."

"What's your biggest secret?" He asked. I looked down and thought deeply. What is my biggest secret? My mind drifted to the accident, and everything what went on that day. There are multiply versions about that day, I never corrected anyone. I lied about sleep overs sometimes, I'm not a big liar. But everyone has secrets no? Maybe I can tell some camp stories, we can always bond over Hanna. I can't talk about James, my parents or Hanna. I don't feel comfortable talking about my ex-boyfriend, I don't want to talk about my parents and topic Hanna could be awkward. A lot of memories started to flow in.

"Paige what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just don't think I can stay." I stood up and walked out the door rather fast.

"Paige wait up!" Sean followed me out. "Let me take you home." I could see the worry in his eyes. He had a concerned look on his face. I nodded with my head, we walked back to his car. He opened the door for me. I weakly smiled at him as he shut the door. I gave him directions to the little bit more beautiful street a few blocks away from my poor neighborhood. "Thank you." I said as he pulled into front of my fake house. "Are you okay?" I nodded. He came closer to me and wrapped his arms around me. We stayed like that for a while. I thanked him again. "No problem. So I'll see you on Monday?" He smiled. He walked back to his car, I waited for a few minutes and started to walk to my street.

He was so sweet and caring. I got a feeling of betrayal in my stomach. Emily.


	4. Chapter 4

I suddenly bumped into something and fell backwards. My fall however didn't hurt, I fell on something soft. I seemed to have fallen on a person. I quickly get on my feet and began apologizing until my eyes reached the person I collapsed into. "I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going."

Emily cut me off. "It's okay. I wasn't looking where I was going either." I smiled as I picked up both of our books. When I looked up to hand her the books I found her eyes on my chest. I think she's staring at my cleavage. I stood there awkward thinking which way I have to take to my next class, everything but looking at her. It's not that I have anything against gay people, it's just awkward when someone from the same sex touch or looks lingers. For sure since I'm straight and she isn't.

She wasn't moving neither. I'm not so good at small talk so I remained silent. She gave me her breath taking smile. "Bye. See you in class." She took off when her friends rounded the corner.

My phone beeped a second later. _"I earned some money today. Fancy joining me at the mall after school? C."_

After taking an annoying ride to the mall with the bus and six shops with Caleb later it happened again. It feels like everywhere I am my eyes are looking for her. I gritted my teeth and looked back at Caleb. Why was my heart beating so fast? I couldn't be attracted to her, could I? I have never thought about a woman like that, I have never been attracted to one at all. Maybe I just feel flattered because someone beautiful like that has noticed me a few times now. Maybe my heartbeat is telling me that? I know I don't look as good as her. I do feel comfortable in my own skin.

"Paige are you okay? You seem distracted?" Caleb awoke me from my thoughts, a hint of worry in his tone. I didn't have anything to say. I took a deep breath. "So tell me again the story about these dollars?" We got interrupted by a voice I recognize very well now. Hanna was calling for Caleb. If Hanna is here than .. I sighed and stopped before I turned around, even though I don't want to be near them now. As expected four girls were standing in front Caleb and I.

"So you know each other Paigey?" I simply nodded at Hanna. "She took me in her home." He said towards to the girls. He turned to me to say , "Hanna and I used to date until things changed and I dropped out school."

I was slightly shocked to hear that they dated. "Was that before you and Sean?" I said without thinking much. I noticed Emily shifting uncomfortably. "Yeah a year before that happened." They were talking to me but looking at each other. It was beautiful to see them losing themselves in each other's eyes. It stopped when Spencer cleared her throat. "So where are we going next?" The little one, Aria asked. We all agreed to stay together, Emily grinned at me after I agreed to come with them. My breath hitched. What the heck is happening? I must be jealous of her beauty. Yep, that must be it, she has the most beautiful smile in the whole wide world.

Okay stop right there Paige. Think about six packs, shirtless gym guys or even Sean. I sighed, it didn't work. "Paige!" Hanna screamed in my ear which made the others giggle. "You've been in your own world for the past fifteen minutes! What do you want?"

"I'll take whatever you're having." I answered. Caleb approached me carefully. "Do you want to go?" I shook my head no. "No it's good. I'm okay." He gave me a weak smile.

We were talking and laughing with our coffees to go, Hanna stopped in front of a shop. "I love this dress! It's so beautiful!"

"You won't get it anytime soon though." Spencer said pointing at the price. Hanna groaned. "Hey Em, maybe you have to go see if you can flirt with the girl at the counter to get me a discount?"

"No Hanna. I'm not doing that." Emily sighed. "Come on Em, she's beautiful." Spencer said. "Wait you agree with her? Yes she's beautiful, that doesn't mean I have to do anything! Hanna it's your dress, you go flirt." Emily sounded annoyed, she started to walk away. "Why are you running away?" Spencer yelled after her. "I'm not running away. I'm just getting some fresh air. I'll meet you guys at the car." Everyone walked in the store, including Caleb. I hesitated for a moment looking in the direction Emily walked in.

Caleb walked back out. "With second thought let's wait on the bench. I forgot how painful it is to enter a store with Hanna." I chuckled. "So what things happened you had to drop out?"

"Not many people know but I guess I owe you some explanation. Well, I'm a foster kid. Always have been, I ran away from my last family. They don't care about me, never called the police so that's why I'm able to live on my own. No one will look for me. This last family was in Rosewood, I went to school there for a while. I dated Hanna until the point I ran away and couldn't go back. So yeah."

Both of our heads looked up when Aria, Hanna and Spencer walked out the store. "So how did the discount thing work out?" I asked. Hanna was grinning. "I've always said it, now I proved once again that I'm a flirt machine." Caleb raised his brows at that. "Hanna got 70% off!" Aria exclaimed.

The bus ride home was quiet. The thing that was distracting Caleb was non-stop texts from Hanna and I wanted to know what's up with Emily. When we walked the girls back to their car and said goodbye to them. I kind of wanted to place a goodbye kiss on Emily's cheek before catching the bus. The thought of only doing so gave me tingles. I like boys. I'm not having a crush, nope I'm not. I never looked at a girl before, not starting with that now. Maybe there's a reason she's giving me these thoughts? What if it's all meant to be? Nope, I'm not falling for that.

I decided to type out a quick message to Sean. _"See you tomorrow at school?_ _xx"_

Now I feel stupid of course he'll be at school and so will I. Once inside Caleb asked me if I wanted to talk about my distraction. "If we keep on sharing this tiny room, you can't hide anything from me." Now he scared me. "That won't be a problem then, I heard the room next door will be free soon."

"Really? That's a good idea. Now tell me P."

I sighed. I might have to tell them, he can help me get Hanna off my grill and her friends outside school. "I think I may like someone. I think I may like her." I whispered the word her. I saw the shock on Caleb face, his expression went blank. "You like Hanna?" He sounded defeated. "What Hanna? NO Caleb no! And from what I saw, you still got game my friend." He smiled at me relieved.

"So?"

"Emily. I think I like Emily." I looked away not ready to see his reaction. "Oh I thought you were into guys. After what you told me about Sean and James." I groaned and fell on my bed. "I thought that too."


	5. Chapter 5

Today has got me fooled already. I thought I would be amazing at Field Hockey like I was at my previous school well it seems I have a lot of work to do in order to keep up. Gratefully Coach saw potential and let me on the team. The star player and captain was Spencer Hastings, one fourth of the popular squad and also the ones who I can't escape. What is this with those girls? They all have something mesmerizing about them. As practice, try out for me ended I was greeted with a coffee and Sean. I felt instantly happy to know he remembered my coffee order. And I gave him prove I didn't lie about joining a sport team.

We walked in a comfortable silence in Chemistry class, my arm was wrapped in his which earned some looks from classmates. No two seats next to each other available, he joined a guy and I of course was left with the squad. Not all of them seemed to be in this class. I groaned and sat down on the empty seat. Right next to Emily, we were sitting close to each other because of the lab table. Emily gave me a questioning glance as I plopped down. She was wearing a plaid shirt, she looked very good in it. Once again, it would be a long class.

Suddenly a piece of paper was slid over to me. _"What's wrong?"_ Right, she's also sweet and caring. I sighed and wrote down my answer. " _I just have a lot on my mind, being the new kid and stuff. Nothing to worry about."_

I stole a quick glance and saw her frowning. She did the worst thing she could do now. I stiffened completely and tried hard not to freak out as I felt her hand squeeze my leg. I wanted to ask what she's doing but I fail to speak. My eyes are locked on the board in front of the class. I shouldn't be letting her doing this, she shouldn't be so forward with me. We don't even know each other do we? Okay I did give her a ring. I groaned. Only if she knew how I got that ring. The frightening part is, the rubbing feels good. I'm straight damned. When I finally got the courage to ask her she simply stated that she tried to calm me down with doing that. Right, something in me says she likes it.

After class Emily copied Sean and I before, she took me by the arm. "Do you want to hang out tonight?" I felt a lot of excitement going through me, and that's why I can't. I saw Sean in the corner of my eye. I decided there and then to test the waters with both. Sean already made it obvious what he wants from me, maybe if I can clear this with Emily I would feel more relaxed and be more sure it's all happening in my head. "Sure. What do you want to do?"

"What about eight o'clock my place? Movie?" I nodded. We swapped numbers, she texted me immediately her address. That's when it hit me, we will spend some time alone at her place. Her place where she knows every corner, every trap, she's a big step ahead.

She grabbed my hand and lead me up to her room. I swallowed loudly when I heard the door being closed. I looked around her room, trying not to miss any corner. I took a seat by her window, her room is bigger than the nasty place I can afford. I felt bad because I was being in such a beautiful home with someone like her. "I'm going to change into something more comfortable. I'll be right back." She swayed her butt leaving the room. I sighed. This is going to be a long evening. Didn't she have the entire evening to get changed? I tried to sort my thoughts as soon she was out of sight. Those were all gone as soon Emily came out wearing tiny short showing off her beautiful tan long legs. And a tank top showing of her arms, shoulders, upper chest, her beautiful shape. She looked at my face to ask if I liked her new outfit. She was totally grinning.

She slowly spun around giving me a full view. The only thing I was doing was swallowing hard and paining my knuckles by gripping hard on my pants. My eyes ranked her body, failing to come up with something to say. She walked over to me and sat next to me. I saw her hand leaving her side, coming dangerously close to mine. I got up in a quick movement. "Do you want to play a game?" The sentence came out quick to my own rescue. She nodded, looking expectantly back at me. I tried hard to come up with a game that wouldn't be lame. I love board games but that would totally kill the little bit of swag I have. "Truth or dare?" I smirked, pretty proud of my suggestion.

She nodded again. "Okay you go first." I said, trying to figure out at what level we're going to play. Not to say I'm kind of regretting it already when I saw her eyes flickering. And we all know that can mean anything. "Kiss me."

My jaw dropped. I gulped. My mind was aware this was a trap. Something I started and she finished, my legs had the opportunity to run. And I'm fast when I run for dear. Instead I did nothing but looking at her with I assume my creepy eyes. What did she just say? Why would any person want to kiss me? You could play along at party's to show off and have fun, doing things you think you should experience when you're young but right here, no witnesses no prove, just the two us. Intimate. "What's taking you so long McCullers?" She said getting up standing right in front of me.

Her face was smirk less, she wasn't daring me to make fun. She was daring me with desire. My eyes widened when I found our face inches apart. Yet, I was scared to kiss her. It would be better if she kisses me, I wouldn't pull back to laugh or to tease. I glanced at her lips, deciding to be brave in this town once again. I closed the few inches between us. The moment our lips touched I couldn't hold back a moan, I felt electricity through my veins. It could be the thrill of something exciting, new.

I felt her kissing back, our kiss didn't break as she pulled me back down on her window seat. Her right had come resting on my right cheek, her left held my hand. She bit my bottom lip lightly begging for entrance, slowly I allowed her access. Eagerly her tongue slipped into my mouth not wasting any moment. I pulled away to breath. She didn't stop though, she leaned back in the very second I pulled away.

Her smile made it hard for me not to look at her. "What are you staring at?"

"You." I answered making her blush. I did want prove, for myself. I pulled my phone out and took a quick picture of us together. Quickly she took over, a few seconds later I was about 30 pictures richer. "I didn't know you liked taking pictures." I simply stated. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

Yeah we kind of just met, I felt stupid. Her face lighted up. "Let's go on a date. Learn more about each other."

"I thought you just wanted to hang out?" I was kind of proud with my quick answer. She smiled beautifully at me. "You can't deny the energy between us since the beginning." She whispered.

I sighed. "I'm a little bit unsure about everything right now. I don't think a date is what we need."

"Paige, the moment our lips touched …" She started, placing her head against mine. "I know you felt it too. I never felt it before. I know I have never, it doesn't happen randomly only when it's meant to be."

"Emily." She silenced me up with a kiss. A slow less passionate one then our first minutes ago. "I'll sleep on it." I kissed her cheek and let it linger, in the hope not to hurt her. I pulled her in a strong embrace before I smiled looking in her eyes and left her house.


	6. Chapter 6

I can't explore this new feeling, he's a great guy it won't be fair. I've been panicking all morning about today, the closer I got to my locker the more obvious it was Emily wasn't accidentally killing time near my locker. I looked at her shocked, I opened and closed my mouth. Instead I turned to my locker and took out what I needed. "I haven't seen you in this morning in any of my classes." She said.

I replied without taking a second glance in her direction. "I guess our schedules work out this way."

I felt her getting closer to me. Her voice sounded soft but questioning. "I left you a couple of messages."

"Yeah I know, I figured I would see you at school anyway."

"I thought maybe you were avoiding me." She came closer standing an inch away, while I pretended to be still busy with my locker. "No. I just." She looked at me expectantly, right there and then I knew I had to look away. Hurting this girl would be something I would never easily do, I want to make her happy all the time for instance her lonely Valentine's Day. For some reason I had to be her hero, I should learn to think first more. "No." I concluded.

"Okay this is beyond awkward. Can we please just talk about last night?" I shook my head no. "I think it is clear."

"Yeah it is clear. We kissed. You kissed me. I kissed you. And it was pretty electrifying."

I tried not to blush at her words. That's not what I mean though, it's clear which direction she's pushing me in. "Emily." I whispered, looking around me making sure no one heard. She rolled her eyes, shut my locker with a hard slam. I closed my eyes when I saw her walking away, right now I only have to do one thing. Finding Sean.

"Hey! I was looking for you." I said when I finally laid my eyes on the handsome Sean Ackard. "I was talking to Emily actually about you." I stopped in my tracks. "Oh yeah?" I tried to keep my cool, inside I was near dying all kind of questions came in my head. Did she approach him, does he dislike me now? What did she say. "I wanted to be 100% sure if you weren't seeing anybody and I wanted to know if Hanna is doing okay and since you and Hanna know each other too she might know things and I know firsthand that they share everything with each other and so I saw Emily and I had to ask…"

"Sean." I said firmly, stopping his rant. He turned to face me and grabbed my hand. "Do you want to go out with me again? Like a second date?" "Yes!" "Yes?" "Of course!" I was so sure and confident. Right place right time. This is exactly what I needed. I was smiling from ear to ear. Soon we were joined by two of his friends I met at lunch the other time. I really felt included and good in their little group. We decided to go to this concert together next week, date number three. It was fast, yet good. I was aware of why it sounded good, that's the scary part. Am I trying to convince myself really to like a certain guy so I would lose interest in a girl? Yes. Totally. I'm pathetic.

I was aware of The Squad standing at the other side of the hallway, Emily leaning against the lockers looking in our direction. I so wish I could read her mind right now. I still don't know what she really wants from me.

It got obvious later, I do have to admit it felt good to see someone interested in me for whatever reason. Emily broke the news to me, Sean spoke to her and that she thinks he wanted to ask me out. I nodded since I already knew this part, I did feel relieved. Now I'm sure nothing more was being said or hinted. Maybe I really should let go and trust Emily with this.

If someone says that first dates are the hardest than they are definitely wrong. "You must be an athlete, you have a great body." The waiter said, giving me a wink after he took our orders. Sean was glaring at the guy, suddenly he grabbed my hand. My head shot up at this action. "I just want him to know you're taken." He shrugged. "Taken huh?" I teased. "I thought this was only the second date?" I smiled.

He blushed deep red and looked away. "I didn't want to imply that we were together I just .." I squeezed his hand letting him know it's okay. "I like you." He said looking me in the eye. "I like you too Sean." I said not looking him in the eye. He smiled his beautiful smile.

"There's one thing I want to do right now." We were sitting in his car, I didn't get out just yet we fell back into easy conversations. We were looking at each other when he pulled me in. There was nothing complex, I felt him smiling against my lips. I thought I would feel great once we kissed and realized how simple things can be. Or even better walking with my head in heaven and seeing the next couple of months in my head. Nothing of that was true. I felt like crying, I felt miserable.

As soon he dropped me off , again in the wrong street like I asked I needed to text Emily. I had to see her, I had to explain. I don't want to play, I am serious. That's what she deserves to know right now. Soon she replied me back, I started to run towards her house I didn't care about my dress and heels I had to go faster. I took my shoes off and ran off holding them. Destination Fields. I dropped a quick text announcing my arrival, a minute later I walked in her room very pumped. I fidgeted with my dress as she looked at me from the end of her bed expectantly. Yet again, I had no words. "You went on your date with Sean?" She asked.

"Yeah." My voice was full of emotion, my voice cracked. I turned my back to her looking at the ceiling trying to keep tears inside. "That's where I was tonight."

"How did it go?"

"Great." I kept nodding my head. I was stuck in a circle of lying to myself because I was scared to become something else, scared to look at her when I was about to say something she might not like because that's what I don't want. I only want to say the good things, causing great feelings. "He's a nice guy."

"Good." She said very dryly, nodding along with me. Her eyes spoke something different, they were wide and blinking. Everything was already being said in the pause, I already am vulnerable. I decided to be honest. "Yeah it went okay." I didn't fail to notice the little smirk on her face, it lasted only a second but I saw it. "Good." She was still playing along. "Yeah."

The memories of comfort came flooding back to me, I went to sit on the window seat. "Until he kissed me. It felt like it wasn't me all of the sudden. I was another person right after the kiss, not for reasons you would think. It only made me want to kiss you again. I don't know. The night, my attempts with Sean felt fake. He went home and I texted you."

"I am attracted to you, I want to kiss you. The only problem is I'm straight." I continued, fighting against the tears to fall down my face. "Paige." She got up from her bed, I shivered when one of her hands was brushing my face. "I like you, I like you a lot. But it's hard for me now I just can't throw myself at you." I said.

"But you like me right?" I nodded. "I have also one problem. I'm going out of my mind if you don't let me kiss you." She didn't wait for my answer, she puts her arms around my waist and kisses me on the lips. "No straight woman would kiss me like that." She whispered against my lips. My eyes shot open, I pushed her away in one fluid motion. "What's that supposed to mean? "

"A kiss can't be faked Paige." She sounded slightly irritated.


	7. Chapter 7

"I can't do this." I said before storming out of her house, the rain was pouring down heavy on me. I heard cars honking at me, I kept running like Usain Bolt to my crap building. I slammed the door.

"Hey! What's going on? Talk to me!" I was drenched, exhausted, emotionally drained sobbing on my bed. I wished to come home climb in bed and cry myself to sleep and forget about it all. Why did I again invite a stranger in my room and why does he have to be so caring and sweet? "I need time." I spoke quietly between sobs. He made some beer appear, and opened his laptop playing this silly film. It was filled with weak comedy but it did help us bond.

"What happened with Sean? Seriously do I need to kill him?" There it was, delayed by 2 hours but still the inevitable question. "No." I laughed. "I went to see Emily."

"I definitely will have a word with her if she hurts you but nothing more, Hanna would kill me."

The ice-breaker happened, it's easy to open someone who had been through a lot and at the same time doesn't know your past. "I didn't expect her to say what she said." I told Caleb about all the action of the night, including what had started this high emotional train. The kiss with Sean. "If we're alone I wish we weren't and when we aren't I miss the privacy. I want to find a way to keep seeing her but in a less confusing way for me."

"We should go out together with Hanna and Emily. The four of us."

"You suggest a double date? Are you now completely out of your mind?!" I said, Caleb shrugged. "I know you want Hanna back but that's a bad idea and also I don't want to go on a date with her!"

"Yeah right Paigey." I cringed at the old nickname Hanna had for me. "Even if I would want it, I can't do it because I'm not all in. I told her that, I'm straight and she should know I don't want to play around or so called experiment. I'm not using her, my confusing feelings will go away eventually." I said decisive.

"Why are you so scared to find out what it means? It might be nothing, but don't you want to know?" Caleb asked. "You can't just sit back now and pretend you never shared this with me or with her. You know what, I owe you a lot. What if I start to thank you by talking to Emily for you? Mend somethings without pressuring you."

I knew I had found a friend who would get me, who always would have my back. I considered his offer and took it. Thinking maybe I should go talk to Hanna instead. "You can feel stupid for thinking like this about another girl but when Cupid is on a shooting spree, there's nothing you can do." He had this teasing smirk on his face, I threw my pillow right in his face. "Goodnight Cay-Cay." I turned the light off feeling instantly better.

She caught my eye and I could see concern run across her face together with irrita4tion. She looked tired. I was eating myself up and talking myself into solve it for myself, I couldn't do it. When I could she was pretending to be busy. _"I'm sorry."_ I started to type. No no no no and I deleted it. I should say sorry with something more. If I only had the balls right now.

"She likes you. It's your own fault, you swept her off her feet from the first moment! And dude! Why did you never tell me about that ring? You gave her a ring? Well than your heart is next. That's all I know."

I groaned. I buried my head in my hands. Caleb is right. It's my own fault, of course Emily would say it was there from the beginning I basically told her to be mine in that damn closet. I fired off a text to Emily. _"Feeling like a picnic?"_

I played some music off my phone while I was setting up some snacks and a picnic blanket, I was unaware of footsteps behind me until I was pushed down by another body. I relaxed when I heard Emily's laugh, she laid down beside me holding my hand. We laid down in silence, I decided to not talk until she started. I don't know how she feels about me now, more because of my childish stupidity and sending Caleb to her might have been the wrong call. Caleb did say she understands, she fully understood since she fell out of the closet a long time ago. There it was again, the label thing. The coming out thing. The thing that haunts my thoughts. I don't want to come out, I don't need to come out because when I do that's when I would really be faking who I am. But this, her hands, hearing her humming along to the music is pretty good.

So call it a crush or whatever you want, the only thing I will admit is that she feels like heaven. Every time we could score some privacy I was buzzing with excitement, I told myself to try and let go. Everything went perfect until she wanted to go somewhere public. Like to the concert Sean also invited me too. "Hmmm." I thought as my mind tried to come up with something as quick as possible, something that explains why I should go with Sean and not her. "I really like this band." She tried to convince me here to go with her, I was fully aware of that fact. I tried my best to think everything through and not say anything harsh or something that might hurt her. I only try to go with what I like here, no denying I like being in both their companies.

"Tell me, what's your biggest fear?" She asked me, probably sensing my almost panic mode. "Dying young." I replied. You have to admit it's the perfect answer. I knew I should've said something else, I know she expected me to say something else. "

"It's not being risked seeing with me like this?" She asked with a little smile tugging at her lips. I shifted so I was facing her. "No. People can see me with you." I sighed before I continued. "But yeah maybe not really with hand holding. You're out, they know you're gay they will think I'm too if we do that. It's different than holding Hanna's hand, people will talk and assume things."

"And what if what they assume is right Paige? We are already more, I don't know why you're so freaked out. Just stay with me if it makes you feel good."

I sat upright, stopped holding her hand. "Emily, I don't want those talks. Not now not never. If it's like this than you're right. I can't risk be seen like this with you. I don't want to be the central person in new gossip around town and what if Sean hears it? No." I shook my head.

"Wow." I could hear the hurt in her voice. "I already knew it wouldn't be easy to get you to be with me but to hear you say all of this it actually hurts. And it's so stupid. Sean is a nice guy, he doesn't deserve this. I don't neither, I'm done. I will stop calling you or texting you. I'm sorry. I really am, but honestly I just followed your unspoken encouragements." I watched her get up, still taking everything in. I jumped up when I saw her fumbling with the heart shaped ring trying to get it off. "I'll give you a new one. A real one from me."

"Paige no stop it. Just take this one. I don't want a new one, it has to stop right here."

"Even if it stops right now, I'll still see you around and you'll never be erased from my mind and I'm pretty sure these confusing feeling won't go with you." I brushed her hair out of her face. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I do want to thank you for that amazing kiss." I smiled.

"You're welcome anytime Paige." She smiled. I cleaned everything up and walked her back to her car. "Paige?"

"Yeah Emily?"

"I hope to be seeing more of you soon." She said.

"I really want to keep seeing you. If there's a way." I said as I leaned in to place a kiss on her cheek. She gently pressed me against her car door to be closer to me. I closed my eyes as she licked my collarbone and began sucking on my neck.

I sighed and hugged her before she got in her car. As I saw her drive away I realized I said a lot and nothing at all at the same time. I did admit the kiss was amazing, saying that at loud felt great. For the rest of it, no improvements. Calling it off hit me like lightning. Even if I don't understand fully what exactly we would be calling off, it didn't sound good.


	8. Chapter 8

"Really do I have to? This is not a good idea." Caleb whined.

"You're coming with me! I need you there and if you are worried about being around Sean because of Hanna, don't. She's all yours if you work it right."

"Really? If I work it right she's all mine? Since when are you the one to give me advice in that department?"

Caleb is right I'm too unsure and scared, but what's wrong in strolling along with the parts life throws at you? I realized it might be a sign, Sean being here for me, interested in me. The same time while I get confused and doubt all things I know because of a girl. Sean was right in front of me, he is. It would be stupid not to go with that. I haven't heard from her yet, maybe that's wise.

"So okay, just I'm the more confused one here. What exactly is the plan here?" Caleb asked me.

"I'm going to go with my mind which will lead to my feelings and then everything will feel solved and like heaven. Then I will run into Emily and start a beautiful friendship." I answered optimistically. Caleb shook his head.

"And how are you planning to prove yourself?"

"Seduction." I simply stated. Ignoring the question to explain any further. Caleb was still shaking his head. "You're crazy."

"I'm out of options Caleb. I know myself, I don't have to find myself anymore I just need to find the answer. I already know the answer so I know how to get it and this is how. "

"You can't do that." Caleb argued. "You can't just show up with the wrong intentions. What if it turns out differently and you end up hurting yourself one more time? If something goes wrong, know you can't run to Emily's arms. Not this time. But when you do, stay in her arms. Don't play."

"I won't. I will never hurt her intentionally and it won't be necessary." I replied calmly.

"You don't know that Paige, the only thing I see is a scared girl." Caleb started to sound as a broken record. I let him say because I don't care, deep down I know I'm just blown away by her beauty and matching golden heart and nothing else. I just don't have time for the waiting, that's why I'm taking matters in my own hands.

I sighed. "Caleb I'd like you to come with me for moral support." I took a deep breath, waiting. When I felt his answer to be no I hurriedly added that's it's okay if he didn't want to. Of course he said yes.

He stayed silent the entire time I got ready to go out, it wasn't a date. We were going with a bunch of other people. Also non-couples so technically, not a date. I tried to tell myself I looked nice, I tried to put power in my clothes and make up. Feeling confident on the outside reflects on the inside right?

"I'm ready." We locked the door and we were good to go. On the short bus ride I tried not to concentrate on the stomach ache and try to keep everything under control. I approached the house feeling pretty nervous, I had never been the type of girl to have many friends, or been in a group. I always felt safer with few people. Safer with what I know. Today I'm all about being done with headaches, heartaches, sickness, regrets and what if's. As soon Caleb and I reached the door, we saw it was unlocked. The strong scent of alcohol hit us like a ton of bricks. A little party at the Ackards. I had the massive urge to turn around and swipe the streets and eat some food. That would be perfect. I started to daydream about pizza when I came to my first challenge, finding Sean. I tried to avoid the drunk people spread out in his living room, ignoring a couple who were busy swallowing each other on the couch. This was not what I had in mind for the group date kind of thing, not at all.

Was a party really his idea or is this a last minute idea to not spend close time with me? I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair, I got up the stairs and walked through the last door of the hallway, where it seemed to be quite. I needed to compose myself for a second. I escaped in the room, big mistake. No what did I say? Big? I mean huge mistake. I would've run away in a heartbeat but it was too late, I was seen by his eyes. Running now would be suspicious. I looked at every single inch in the room except the inches where Sean was standing.

"Hey, come in and close the door." I did so before hesitantly sitting down on the edge of his bed. There he stood, in his towel combing through his hair without a shirt. I swallowed, I didn't dare to look. There was something inside me daring to look, I let my eyes trail over his chest. I swallowed again, he definitely was in a good shape and so fit. When I saw him smile I kept my eyes pinned on my own hands.

Soon my hands were in his, as he kissed me passionately. His hands were rubbing up and down my arms. He was touching me for the very first time, my body started to ache. I jumped when I felt his hands on my shoulders, slightly pushing me down. My body was aching with every touch I thought about James, how wrong I felt after our big night.

I was scared, I felt tears escaping my eyes while Sean was working my neck the same spot Emily worked on. I didn't feel pressured, I know nothing will happen. Sean is a decent guy, still I feel numb. I don't feel safe. I don't feel me. It's not his smoking body that makes me cry, it's not his body that's making my body ache it's something else, something bigger.

I pushed him back and got up. I quickly brushed my tears away and cleaned my clothes. "You okay? I didn't want" I shook my head cutting him off. He pulled me against him, smoothing his hands up and down my back as he whispered "sorry" in my ear. He's so sweet and I'm a screw up. I sobbed on his shoulder, I shut my eyes tight. The feel of his big hands on me made my stomach turn, I try to keep talking to myself. Saying it's Sean. The good guy. He won't trick me in his bed saying it's a good thing. Or scowl me afterwards.

I was being brave, not stupid. I knew I had to go with pizza this evening in my bed, the only safe place I can have. Alone. I'm not sure how long for we were standing there like that. "I'm sorry." I managed to say.

"I'm sorry too." He whispered, he cupped my head in his hand. "Are you okay?"

"I'll be." I answered. "I'm here for you, if you want to talk." I nodded as I pulled out his grip. In my heart panic was rising. I won't be fine, my love life is one disaster. I don't have any family or save haven. I guess I kind of have Caleb, but what if that's another blind dive of mine? A billion things raced through my mind, I was so spaced out I didn't notice he got dressed in the mean while. Downstairs a poker game involving Caleb was going on, I spend the rest of the night sitting next to him watching, held tight by Sean's arm at the other side.

I had to have reached the form of delusion. This was insane and the beginning of the end. I was going crazy cuddled up against Sean, and I couldn't wrap my head around my emotions. Why was I so unstable and stupid? Why wasn't he able to say one thing to make me feel one with my inner side.


	9. Chapter 9

Doubts tickled my brain, memories surfaced of that evening with James, of the last night I saw my parents. Memories of the first time someone captivated me after I had to break free, after I got a chance to stop doing the wrong thing which seemed to be the right thing. Moments of that kiss in Sean's car, our second kiss. What if nothing is meant to be for me?

People here in Rosewood have always been straight up with me, it's me who progresses all of their information in a bad way. All the time I was battling so called attraction, because I couldn't fall for a gay girl but I couldn't fall for a straight guy. I was battling because I'm scared, scared for unknown reasons.

I told myself I was going to walk through the Sean door so I can close the door to Emily for good. Nothing is black and white, that's clear. I was too much. Why could I see what for great people I have right in front of me but it needs a slap in the face for me to be not scared.

Was this my curse? My virginity was gone, my friends and brother gone, jumped at the first acknowledgment I felt. Now I'm the greatest mess. My fire died turning into pain. In my back pocket I felt the heart shaped ring, I completely forgot I'd put it there. I was always engaged with my feelings, trying to find closure with one thing while being caught up in another one.

My heart softened and I stopped being frightened for one second. I stood still, with my hands in my front pockets giving a shy smile to Emily. "Hey, I was just on my way to work."

"Can I walk you?" She nodded. We walked silently next to each other. I saw her turning to me in the corner of my eye. She looked at me softly, like her eyes were whispering my name. "It's maybe wrong for me to come to you and ask you this but I need you to distract me."

"Distract you how?" She raised her brow, an adorable dimple appearing on her forehead. "Fun nice evening out. Maybe with your friends?"

"That can be arranged." She smiled. We continued to walk, I felt her right hand slip into mine before I could go into overdrive she let my hand go after giving me a squeeze. The clear blue morning sky and the early streetlights built a beautiful scenery, they were sparkling in their own way.

All the worries in my mind flew by, as I looked over to Emily I sighed with relief. Something I didn't think to feel so soon again. "This is me. For the next 8 hours." Emily said. I smiled, hint received. I saw her turning her head so we were cheek to cheek. She put light pressure on her lips to kiss my cheek, moving up to my forehead. Two places meaning my heart races double time.

For the first time I felt on the same page with her, it felt damn good. We didn't speak much this morning but enough to feel connected, to feel understood. Then her lips touched my skin. "Oh Paige." She turned around before entering the Brew. "Good morning." She smiled.

Caleb wasn't a bad guy. He just has been in tough situations for the most of his life and now he took an opportunity. A god send one, but it's time for him to go. As soon we opened the room next to mine, I felt relieved to have my space back but also happy to know his room is more crapped than mine. Still I felt embarrassed of where I lived but hey at least I'm not alone.

"I heard you're going out with the girls tonight."

"Did you?" I said sipping our beer, Caleb knows a lot of shady people here. Another thing I'm grateful for that and the little great things that come from it like a lot of beer. "Hanna canceled our plans for you."

I smiled at that. "That's nice of her to not cancel on me." I caught a smile on Caleb's face. "Once she cares about you, you're trapped." I laughed at that. I could easily invite Caleb with us, but he's the only person who would keep an eye on me Emily wise. That's the part I'm brushing off.

"Where are you going? Do you need fake ID's?"

I shook my head. "No we're good thanks. Just going to the movies."

"You're going to the movies with Emily? You know the movies, a dark place where she gets you alone for two hours? Paige, she was working your neck at her car in a park. Imagine what she can do in the back row right there." I smacked his arm.

"Get that goofiness out of your face Caleb! Also don't think about Emily with a naughty look on your face." I warned him. He exploded out laughing.

"You're a tease did you know that?" I commented as I laid back down on his bed. I let my eyes find the time on my phone. One more hour and her work shift is done.

"Well I guess I'm done here." I said as I put back on my shoes and leather jacket. "Don't be afraid of the dark. Bye Paige."

I walked in the Brew, the arranged meeting point. It all went so fast, during Emily's lunch break I got a text saying the girls agreed to get to know me better. I just hope they don't have many questions about how all of the sudden I rely on Emily for company why Hanna would be more logical. Caleb didn't scare me about his going-to-the-movies talk. I thought it was a brilliant idea, doing something together with the girls and at the same time no conversations needed.

"Hey Paige." Hanna grinned as she gave me a hug. "How's it going?"

"Great." I answered simply as I stole a glance in Emily's direction. Spencer and Aria joined me around the table, they were all friendly just like the time at the mall.

Once at the theater I enjoyed the busy crowds, for once I was part of a group in this crowd. The girl chose for us to sit in the back, in the very center. We settled in cozily watching people coming in. I was sitting at the left, Emily in the middle of me and Hanna then Aria and Spencer. I felt comfortable in these seating arrangements. I pretended to not care who sit where, that I was fine with whatever. Thankfully it didn't come across as _"I really want to get to know your friends better, but not be scared away or put under investigation, so Aria._ "

When the movie started my eyes were glued to the screen, I loved coming here. There was something magical about the big screen that never fails to amaze me. When the credits started rolling, we were sitting hand in hand watching everyone get up. Not us, none seemed to pay any attention to us. The quiet ones in the back row.

Maybe things in Rosewood are just simple. And when the lights came up I glanced around us quickly, noticing the half of the theater was already empty. Hanna was still finishing our snacks, Aria was typing on her phone, I heard Spencer talking to Hanna. I smiled slowly when also Emily was thrown into their conversation, still sitting next to me, still holding my hand. None giving comments about that maybe they haven't noticed yet, or maybe they didn't care or found it normal.

Would Emily have told them about us? About me? The sound of the cleaning people coming in brought us to our senses. We smiled to each other before I let her hand go to put my jacket back on. Perfect excuse.

"Here we are." Spencer said pulling into the parking lot of a small Italian restaurant. We sat at a small table in front of a window. I was sitting at the head of the table, giving myself a great overview. "What sounds good?" Emily asked as I looked over my menu. She pulled her chair closer to my side. I noticed, decided not to act on it. "Do you need a few more minutes?" The question came from a voice behind us. Hanna chuckled softly, apparently finding us amusing. "I'll take the seafood please." I answered. The girls followed giving their orders. As soon the waiter turned around Hanna was obviously checking him out. "I thought you were all Caleb right now?" Aria asked.

I was reading all the signs on the walls, I felt like an intruder in this moment. Like I came from the other camp keeping an eye on them. I sat back, crossed my legs and tried to relax as my eyes scanned the restaurant. When we all got our drinks Emily raised her glass. "Here's to new beginnings." She said. "To new beginnings." Spencer agreed. Emily looked at me giving me a smile. I agreed too, drinking on new beginnings.

We climbed back into Spencer's car when we finished our plates. I opened the back door for Hanna and Emily, climbing in the backseat last. Today was great, I felt included, I mattered somehow. And it was all thanks to Emily. "Thank you for tonight. It was exactly what I needed." I whispered to her.


	10. Chapter 10

I seriously didn't count on them insisting to drop me off 'home'. None excuse was good enough, to not raise suspicion I was okay with it eventually. The ride wasn't that long but I was pretty tired. It seems I was the only one in the car not comfortable enough to close the eyes. I discovered I could see my reflection and a little bit of the woman next to me in the dark tinted window. There was one tiny light on but my mind slowly started to function.

I let myself sink lower in the leather seats of Spencer's luxurious car. "Thank you for including me today. It was fun." I said to Spencer. She looked at me through the rearview mirror and simply nodded. My phone buzzed signaling a new text.

 _Where are you? – Sean_

I sighed. I was ready to type an answer but I wasn't sure what.

 _I was out with some friends, almost home. Why? – P_

An reply didn't come right away, my brain was tickling with questions. My phone slipped from my hand as I tried to put it back in my pockets. I groaned. Thank you no space. As I reached down to pick it up I noticed Emily's legs were slightly apart. I swallowed. "You okay down there?" I felt busted, and pretty sure my cheeks turned red at the sound of Spencer's voice. "Yeah I'm okay. Just dropped my phone. Got it." I said showing her my phone, freshly picked up from the ground.

When I glanced to the woman next to me I saw a little smile tugging on her lips, her eyes were open. Sounds were coming from the other side of the backseat. "How Hanna manages to get in a deep sleep anywhere is beyond me." Emily said, shifting closer to me. I felt all eyes on us through the rearview mirror, which is a nasty trick of my mind. She rested her head on my shoulder. "You meant what you said about this evening?" She said.

"Today was great Em." Her nickname slipped out of my mouth. I'm not sure if she heard it, if she did she doesn't show. "It's good to be with all my people." She said, her brown eyes were watching my closely, she grinned and finally winked at me. My face warmed, I tried to hide my blush. I dipped my head to hear her chuckle.

Her soft long dark silk hair was tickling my cheek, I inhaled her scent. "This is you." Spencer announced. I wanted to make a quick exit, saying thank you one last time and beat it. And maybe somehow find a way to say goodbye to Emily individually. A little squeeze in her hand or a kiss on her cheek. The waking up of Hanna erased my plans. "Can you stop here for a few minutes Spence? I really need to use the bathroom." Hanna was out before someone could answer her.

My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing. Think Paige think. "Sean! What are you doing here?"

I turned around to see Sean standing next to his car, with a very surprised look on his face. "I wanted to check up on Paige. I brought sushi." Our date conversation. He remembered. I smiled looking at the floor, for a second forgetting about the real problem until Hanna tells me to hurry up and to take my keys.

"Yeah let's go inside." Sean seconded. There was something in the way he said it, I didn't like. "Everything okay?" It was Emily who climbed out the car as well. My mouth was a gape, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other one. Lies came to mind, nothing good yet.

"I've waited long enough I got to go."

"Sean wait." I stepped forward, he looked at me expectantly. "Hello?! I have no time for this. Let's go inside!" Hanna said annoyed.

"I can't." I mumbled quiet. "I don't live in this house."

"You don't what?" Hanna asked.

"You're standing on the porch of someone I don't know. I don't live in that house or in this street." I didn't dare to look at anyone.

"I know. I rang the bell a few times, I thought none was home but then an woman arrived. I assumed her to be your mother, she had never heard of Paige McCullers. I thought it was my mistake, must have got the wrong house since I never saw you enter this house but same thing with the neighbors." Sean didn't sound mad or upset, but confused and maybe a little but hurt. "Why did you lie to me?"

I looked in his eyes. It was time for being honest, but how honest should I be?

"I don't care if you live here or not, since you picked this house you must know the area. So tell me is here a bush or something? I really have to go." If I wasn't on the verge of crying or on throwing away the starting friendships I would have totally cracked up on that one. Seeing the need in Hanna's face I knew what I had to, not find her a bush but show them my keys. Show them I do have keys and didn't meet Caleb on the street. Well we did, not on a bench or something like that.

It was getting late and Aria was a hard one to wake up, Spencer decided to drive off after Sean promised her to get Hanna and Emily home safe. Neither wanted to go. We walked in silence to my street, after passing by a lot of shady guys I saw their looks convert in understanding. Instinctively I pulled Emily closer to me when we passed the last creeps. I opened the door, gave quick instructions and let Hanna take the lead with my keys in her hands. The latch on my bathroom door was broken, just a minor inconvenience I thought. Apparently fixed by Caleb.

Caleb. I banged on his door, if I was going to do this. Being in an awful tiny room with Sean, Emily and Hanna. Well he better be there too. My bedroom, of course I hadn't made my bed today. I let them all in, there wasn't enough seating possibilities so I decided to sit on the floor. I was already ashamed and embarrassed, I could handle more right?

"So I live here. Crap cheap building. Scary street. Not with someone that could be my mother because she's dead. I live here on my own, Caleb is my neighbor." I blurted out. I could read the word "Ew" on Hanna's face. Caleb used to so much worse was also having problem looking straight into Hanna's eye.

"I was ashamed. I still am, I'm not proud of where I live. I have nothing to show off, or to invite friends to. I just thought it was for the better when I pretended to live in the same situation like all of you."

Emily was sitting on my bed with her arms folded staring round the room. "Can I get a moment with you?" Hanna asked Caleb. I glared at him, he shrugged. I stood up and took in the spot Hanna sat on, on my bed next to Emily. Leaving Sean on my couch. "Please don't be mad at me." I said.

"Paige." Emily said firm grabbing my hand. "If I want to be mad at you I could come up with plenty of other things. This is you Paige, your life and I don't care. I like you. I won't judge you, not for this."

We stayed silent after her words. I let her words sunk in, when I did I heard the other meaning. I sighed. Not now Em, not now. "You can feel safe with me Paige. I thought you knew." Yup, he definitely sounds hurt. He cut his eyes to me, then back on the floor.


	11. Chapter 11

I wish I had never started this. I don't want them to feel sorry for me neither to be hurt by my lying. "I have a brother. He lives somewhere else now, at college. And I moved here. I think you can guess why. This was the only place close to home I could afford."

"I'm really sorry Paige. Don't you have anybody else who can help you?" Sean asked.

I shook my head no. "My parents are dead." I laid my hand over Emily's which is holding my other hand. I looked quickly over to Sean, he's busy on his phone doesn't seem to notice. "Do you want to leave?" I asked quietly. "Are you asking if I want to escape this room, this street? No Paige, I don't care to enter a crap building like you call it or be seen here by my friends. Why would I if I have something great waiting inside?"

"Do you want to stay? I can give you my bed."

"I would like that. Let me call my mom first and talk to Hanna."

I slowly shuffled my way over to Sean. I fidgeted with his hands. "So." I started. "So sushi?"

"No thanks I'm good."

"Paige." He turned to look at me. "I understand now a little bit more why you're jumpy and off. But is there something else?" He paused to take my hands in his. "You can tell me, I won't go until you tell me too." I remained silent. I felt torn between desire and pure reality.

"You can't tell me there's nothing between us, we can grow strong from now on." He said. ... "I won't let you go until you tell me you don't want me this close to you. If you only could see how special you are." We stared at each other, it were the perfect words to seal with a kiss. I can remember a few fleeting memories. I know she's dead. My dad too. Nobody wanted me besides my brother, he did give his normal social life up for me. No other relative wanted to take me in.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to disturb." The voice of Emily made me turn around and pull my hands away. I try to imagine how things would go as soon Sean leaves, alone. "Hanna is staying the night, she has a lot of talking to do with Caleb." I slowly nodded, my eyes begging for her to say more. For her to announce she's staying with me. She slowly nods back, maybe telling me to make a move right here. Sean didn't move, he just looked at the girl who just walked in.

"Sushi?" I asked. "No thanks. I'm getting tired." Emily said.

"Oh yeah, we should go than." Emily widened her eyes at me when Sean spoke. I jumped up awkwardly watching Sean put his jacket on. "Emily's staying." I blurted out. I saw her smiling awkwardly at him.

As Emily walked out the room with some clothes I gave her to put on, I walked Sean out. With a hug and goodnight kiss I went back inside. This time I won't be able to just live in my mind, right now it will be real and it's up to me not to get awkward or to emotional.

"I got the bed ready for you." I said quickly finish changing myself. "Don't you dare get lost in your train of thoughts Paige. I know you better than you think, it's for the better if we share your bed." I swallowed at her words. I turned around to see her standing there in my shirt and shorts. "Whatever." I mumbled. I slid in after her, this single bed is very dangerous territory for the next 8 hours.

"I've wanted to this for a very long time." I heard her quietly say as she slid her arm on my waist and laid her head down on my shoulder. Her left leg was draped over mine, I laid on my back not daring to move. It took one movement, one maybe planned strategic move on her behalf, to plant an oh so light kiss on the corner of my mouth while positioning her to do brushing her knee against my center. Her boobs were pressed so close to mine. I quickly placed my lips on her, it was intense from the very first second. I'd lost it.

One of her hands came to rest underneath my shirt. "I was afraid this would get awkward." I mumbled against her lips. "Not at all baby." She giggled. Her tongue entered my mouth, I couldn't help to show her my pleasure by letting little moans out. My hips were bucking up against hers, she was holding my hips still. I didn't know what was happening in one quick movement I turned us around. I was kissing her hard, passionately with everything I am. I felt an ache form in my lower stomach, I straddled her not stopping my assault on her lips for one second.

She was the one to pull away first, only to start sucking on my neck together with tiny bites. I was panting heavy above her, eyes shut. Our boobs were touching, she tugged on my shoulders. She wanted to be the boss, I let her get back on top of me. I got scared, also very very determined to not let her stop. She was going back and forth on me so hard, I felt every single part screaming. My boobs were screaming to be touched, my mouth was screaming, and then my wetness is a total other story. It was so sexy seeing her sitting on me, dry humping the shit out of me. One hand on my shoulder one in her hair.

I heard her breathing coming much heavier, making me more excited. I grabbed both of her boobs, squeezing them. Something started to change, I locked my eyes with her. I tried so hard to keep staring in hers. I pulled her down and kissed her roughly. At some seconds the aftermath came into my head, the wrongness of coming here, the weirdness of tomorrow morning. The heaven of the night. My hands ended up on her ass, holding her closer to me.

We were moaning in each other's mouth, before I could finish my thoughts I felt my center wrapped in tight and wet heat. It felt like a connection not caring how dull this must have looked for outsiders. I wasn't freaking out by every starting touch the previous times, my mind was my body not. Well not the ones that came from her at least. Somewhere along the way I completely lost myself. Her tongue was in my mouth, it felt so good. The air under the sheets were getting hot, I was holding her. Afraid she would get away, but not too close to hurt her.

At the same time I let my mind process what was happening. I tried to concentrate on the amazing amazing feeling of this extraordinary development. Oh Emily. I definitely have a new appreciation for tongues. I turned my mind off and closed my eyes, pressing my head against the pillow she's not using yet.

"Hmmm." Escaped from my lips. "Relax." She whispered in my ear. I was happy with the turn of events, her wandering hands. I just wasn't ready to let her go. Concentrate Paige. And before long the rolling wave was building in my toes up to everywhere in my body.


	12. Chapter 12

Oh god.

"Are you ok?" She asked softly, kissing my temple. Her fingers found their place in my hair. I wanted to tell her how amazing I felt. Instead I was simply laying there, lifeless. "I should have gone slower." She said, I could hear regret in her voice which was totally unnecessary as she was right last night. I lifted my head and put my index finger on her lips. "No, you were right. If I want to break free I have to do something to tear my walls down. And I think you just did that for me." I laughed.

I found her brown eyes. I let myself drown in them for a minute before looking to the ceiling. "Don't make this a big deal please?" I asked. I couldn't look at her while saying this, maybe because to avoid pain and drama. It's an impossible task to say something she doesn't want to hear, not looking at her beauty is a little easier. It was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. The awkwardness came when we could hear my loud neighbor and his guest their activities through the thin walls.

"You're asking me to forget, again? So you can climb back to yourself made prison? Escape Paige, damned." She went to sit upright, I watched how she clenched her fists in the sheets, biting her lips. Letting go the sheet with her right hand to hold her hair with it. I shook my head of the other memory I have of her sitting and one hand in her hair.

She was the first one to find my eyes, she was scanning every emotion every bone. She was checking me very carefully. "OK." She said flat. She caught me by surprise. "Ok?"

"Yeah. No big deal." I would've almost believed her if it wasn't for the little crack in her voice.

I was fine more than fine, I know she knows that. I pulled my knees up, draping my arms over it. "No!" She screamed. Slapping my arm. "It maybe wasn't really sex but it was a huge freaking deal! We gave each other a-" She paused. "You know. Whatever." She said, widening her eyes at me. I filled in the blanks in my head. The word she didn't say, was something that made me desire more which would possibly make me very and unexpectedly happy.

Sometimes when I'm with her and like in this very moment it feels like we are in a race together and Emily is there to help me to reach the finish line, to show me the way.

"I don't want to stop seeing you Paige but when I'm near you I just cannot be affectionate. When I dare to believe it's finally okay it's not. I will start to feel embarrassed soon once again. Or embarrassed for you. I don't want that. I'm not embarrassed of myself nor you."

I lowered my eyes bashfully. I did feel bad about myself not because of her words, only mine.

"I'm sorry." I said, sitting up a little bit. I laid my left arm around her neck, her eyes were softening. I thought about whispering something nice in her ear, plating little kisses on her face, letting her head rest in the pillows and I would make her less mad at me. I could do that.

I can't be mad at her for taking action last night, maybe she just wanted to know what it is between us just like me only she has another a very different approach. Both luckily and unluckily for me she was feeling very brave last night.

Maybe I don't dare to look in her eyes half of the time because I didn't want her to think that I was afraid, but there are so many other things that betray me. I don't want her to think I'm not ready, I am. I can be. But not really for what she thinks. I won't come out. How do we come back from this? A question that needs an answer right about now. That would be perfect.

I swallowed my nerves and reached for her hand, I just grabbed it. I was holding onto her wrist. I could hold onto a part of her body like it's no big deal.

It was so freaking weird, the turmoil in my head. As soon I held her wrist I felt her whole body tense up. "What are you doing?" She asked. When I looked up into her eyes, I didn't stand a chance. I knew that, she knows. She closed her eyes, as her chest rose up and down. She was concentrating on her breathing.

I let go and took her hand instead, holding it with a better hold. I liked it. But that's about as far as I could go. I couldn't bring back the erotic feelings like she had. I couldn't. I honestly don't know what to do, but I do know I prefer this over her changing back into her clothes and leaving. I had no idea how to make her feel good, heck I had no idea how to feel good about myself.

I could transfer once again and learn everything in a third life. With every new life comes a new lesson. I couldn't help but think I know about another kind of lesson. Dry humping. She opened her eyes, she looked at me perplexed. For a moment I was afraid I said it loud and clear. My eyes were the ones now to slam shut. Her eyes, holy crap. " I want you to." I confessed.

"Yeah?" She asked softly with a little sexy smile. Telling me she liked what she heard and really but really wanted to. I smiled too and let out a sigh. I was feeling greedy but still couldn't act on it. I knew what the sigh meant. It was better than me saying, that I couldn't do it on her terms. I let go of her hand, bringing both of my hands up to her face, I wanted to kiss her so bad. I thought twice before getting this show on the road. When our lips finally touched, I didn't allow her to take over, I slowed down our pace with each kiss.

After a few minutes I couldn't help but feel relieved. I was aware of the side of me she's seeing right now, unafraid. That I was, not holding back at all. I chased her lips, I was really into it.

And yes, her kisses they got me really into it like really. Almost like I was becoming a different person, I started to caress her back and focused on the feeling she's giving me.


	13. Chapter 13

"Are you sure Sean wouldn't mind?" Emily asked again as we walked inside. "I'm sure he understands I canceled."

"And you know, about us?" I could tell by her behavior and her pronunciation she felt nervous. I decided to act very cool, not too hot and not too cold. Not distant not close. Normal. "He understands I need close friends that are girls."

I stole a glance at her before opening the door. It will be okay as long Emily is by my side. My face pulled into a soft smile, one only seemed to appear when I get to look at her, when I get to admire her. Emily looked beautiful, however she wore the same clothes as yesterday today she looked perfect in it. I gave out a deep breath, I have every reason to be nervous I was about to out my relationship with Emily. Not myself, just the apparently clear attraction surrounding us.

Caleb was already in, Hanna would be another story. Nobody knows the answer to the question, can Hanna keep a secret? But isn't this what I wanted to be accepted feeling like nothing changes while I'm still skeptical about everything? Emily reached out and held my hand, that's enough to calm my mind for now. We both walked in the diner.

Caleb and Hanna already got here. "Hey guys! Finally I was getting worried! I already ordered from everything something." Hanna said.

"From everything something?" Emily asked smirking.

"Yeah my girl got a big appetite." Caleb put his arm around Hanna placing a kiss on her cheek.

"Your girl?" Emily repeated.

"Jeezes Em. Yes!" Hanna was beaming.

"Yes, Em. Don't pretend you didn't hear their lovemaking this morning." I said, the comment seemed to make our new-old couple even more proud, Emily however was the one getting uncomfortable. Something in her facial expression changed, like she suddenly realized something.

"Have you been here before?" I asked.

"Yes a couple times. The food is amazing here and great place for a date." Hanna wiggled her eyebrows.

"Stop that. You're making her uncomfortable." Emily hissed between gritted teeth.

Hanna rolled her eyes. "So Paige."

Hearing that tone made me feel put under the spotlight more than ever. I wanted to escape interrogation, Emily's palm covering my knee reminded me how good her touches feel. They're still scary but not forced. "How did you two end up together?"

I swallowed. Yes how exactly did this happen?

"I was captivated by her beauty the first time I saw her in class, everywhere my eyes looked there she was. She got in the closet with me at Bridget's party and something I can't explain took over. I felt responsible since then to make her smile to make Emily feel good, only I didn't realize what I was doing to her or myself. Then she basically seduced me in class and in her bedroom." It all came out lighthearted and easy, I knew the story didn't end their it wasn't a perfect love story. The next part was me storming out of her house crying with Caleb, messing up at the picnic, using Sean to get Emily out of my veins. Yesterday felt amazing, it felt like I was part of a group friends, it was a feeling I'd cherish forever. I felt guilty when I played the movie back in my mind, I never gave Sean something. I never encouraged him or stopped him, I kind of left him hanging like his beautiful words.

He shouldn't be wasting them on me anymore.

"I would never dream of hurting you." I said, tears forming in my eyes. I looked her straight in the eye, not bowing down. I wanted to make sure she feels I mean it.

The entire time my mind was running along, I will deal with one thing later but now it's time to make it a little bit more clear. "I hope you don't mind not telling anybody that I like Emily. I don't want people to pull us apart. Until I'm stable." I carefully picked my words, making this about me not her. If she wants to tell people she likes me she can, I don't want to put myself out there for who knows nothing.

"What we have, what you still are denying is like every other couple. The only difference is we're both girls, so what? You never really choose who you love, what does it matter that right now in your life it's a girl? Oh yeah because you're straight, that only allows you guys. And for a bit of pleasure girls. That's what I figured out." Emily stood up, fuming. Almost running into our waitress and our food. I looked at Caleb, I was dumbfounded. I thought I was being sweet, what the hell did I say wrong?

Hanna excused herself and ran after Emily. I looked up at Caleb who shrugged. He spared me from more disasters as his appetite was his number one priority. He dove in the plates, switching plates bite after bite. Only saying things about how great the food is. The tears were back in my eyes. As I moved to stand up I heard Caleb say something. "She really likes you Paige. I'm glad you found someone. I mean it."

I was surprised with his honesty and sincerity. "Thanks."

"See if you can accept that why can't you accept the thing you don't want to talk about?" I was thinking his sentence over as he waved for the attention of the waitress. "I really want dessert, but I don't have money for this all. Hopefully Hanna gets back in time I tried all desserts otherwise I have a problem." I laid down some cash on the table before giving him a quick smile. "I'll see you tonight."

I watched the girl in the mirror as I stood in front of the sink. My makeup looks a mess. I am not even a make-up person. I washed my face, as suddenly a blonde walked in the bathroom. "Is she okay?" I asked.

"You're an idiot Paige." Hanna turned to face me. "I'm not surprised you fell for my best friend."

I stared at her before smiling slowly. "Anita." We said in unison. The beautiful Latin girl that got me mesmerized at camp. "People change when they fall in love." Hanna concluded.

Indeed love is a strange little bastard. "Where is she now?"

"Outside waiting for the taxi. I'm just saying goodbye to Caleb, if you want her alone. Do it now." I was almost out of the door when I heard Hanna's warning to better do the right thing. "Hanna." I said with second thought. "You don't have to leave, stay with Caleb if you like." Hanna nodded, knowing exactly what I was trying to tell her.

"Hey." I said standing beside her.

"Hey." Emily replied without looking away from the road. Is it okay to take the taxi with you? I'll ask him to drop me off elsewhere. I need to talk to Sean." I quickly added the last sentence.

The car ride was silent, the car stopped at the Fields house. "What now?" Emily said irritated as I grabbed her arm. I answered her with a kiss. I leaned my forehead with hers when I pulled away. "Okay what was that?"

"Are you complaining?" I teased. Emily was about to answer when we heard a loud cough from the driver. "I need time Emily. But not the kind of time to figure things out. I have figured out that I have to be around you, but I need time to step up my game. I'm going to see Sean. Okay? I'm not sure what to tell him but I have to now. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight Paige. Don't forget to text me."

"I won't." I watched her get out of the car, how could I possibly forget about anything related to that girl?


	14. Chapter 14

"Thank you for letting me come over so late." I walked inside his house in awe, the size of it made me uncomfortable. I followed him into his kitchen where we could be alone, from here I had an amazing view over his garden. They even had a Jacuzzi in the garden. He remained silent, giving me the time to say what I wanted to say. "We can't see each other anymore like this." That's what I feel I should say. Instead I choose for. "Sean."

"You want to talk to me about us." He said. I nodded. "We can't see each other anymore the way we do now." There's it. I said it, somehow there's still wasn't any room for me to breathe. "No don't say that. Yesterday is forgotten. Doesn't matter really, it doesn't." He steps closer to me, oh god he really has a killer smile. "You don't understand. We can't." I said, surprisingly his smile didn't hold me back.

"I don't understand, why can't we?"

"Because moving here kind of feels I have landed on another planet. Everything is new, and you're confusing me." Confusion and a slight shock was written on his face. "I'm sorry you expected more from me than I can give."

"Paige. Don't you dare again to think you're not good enough."

I shook my head. "You don't need to understand since I don't understand either, but there's someone else I can't let go off. I tried but-"

"Excuse me?" He laughed.

I don't know what to do. Why was he laughing? "I wasn't thinking about how it must feel for you, while I was sorting my feelings out. Now I do, and it's not fair. You're amazing Sean, just not for me." I eyed the kitchen table why I was talking to him, we were never exclusive maybe even not a real thing but definitely something, something like I'm with someone else.

"I really wanted to try, I'm glad I got to know you better but I have gotten to know someone else better too."

"There you go again. Just say his name. Just say it's Caleb and we're done. Just damn say it!" He exploded in anger, banging his fist on the table. I laid my hand instinctively over my heart as I gasped.

"Why does every girl I like think he is better than me?"

"Okay first of all it's not Caleb. It's not him! In fact it's not a guy at all." I answered him in anger. "I hope I can trust you with this." I concluded as I stood up from the chair to leave.

"Hanna?" Her name was said gently but on a tone that made me feel cold. Because of the coldness I didn't dare to roll my eyes or make a silly comment. I remember how Caleb asked the same thing, I told him there and then they belong together. Right now in all seriousness I could see the hurt in Sean's eyes, he tried to open up to me to let me in. The first girl since Hanna, and now I take everything from him again every little bit of hope he might have built up.

"No, it's not her. Right now it doesn't matter who it is, I'm still not sure how to deal with these new emotions, I thought I knew but I only end up hurting you in the process. I'm sorry Sean." With one last look I left his house, as soon the door clicked behind me I let myself feel everything through tears. Whirlwind of emotions all being let out now. Yet again a little voice popped up in my head saying, "I'm not gay." Just because I'm not a lesbian doesn't mean I can't have a deep, meaningful relationship with a woman, right? Yeah, that seemed to click in my mind. If I spread that sentence there's no reason for me not to act on my feelings when around Emily.

I removed my iPhone from my pocket to glance at the time. I briefly checked to see if I have any messages but there were none. Emily might be wanting to send one, seeing why I don't have texted yet. I sighed as I forced my feet to continue walking. When I reached the bus stop I walked passed it. I couldn't get on the first bus back home because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do first.

I could go to bed since there's school tomorrow. Or I could go to a friend. I have to erase Hanna and Caleb from the list tonight, they deserve their alone time. Emily is a great friend, but just friends? I don't know. Spencer is next on the list, we're both on the Field Hockey team and she's friendly to me but that's it. Aria, I don't really know her.

I'm not a thousand miles away from my previous home but I'm from the life I used to live. I have always been afraid of people looking down on me it's just the way I am, but now I might give them a real reason to do so.

I lay in bed staring at the ugly ceiling. I sighed as my thoughts returned to Sean and Emily. Emily and Sean. James and Sean. Emily and James. Anita. I didn't think much of it at the time, when I allow myself to do it now I wonder what could have been when the 12 year old me gave an goodbye kiss on her lips and not on her cheek. Would things been different from the start with Emily?

I didn't surprise Hanna with my confession, Caleb seemed cool with it. Emily is the one left feeling frustrated. I place the heart shaped ring in the palm of my hand, the ring I got months later but still feels to me as the memory of the night we mistakenly drunkenly made love for the first time. How I didn't care, how he didn't care. How free and young we felt, how happy we were to have sneaked out of the house. How stubborn I was to pick up my phone that already rang multiply times. The biggest half of me was in desperation to forget about it all completely.

I thought of how I confessed I didn't think how Sean would feel, I couldn't keep it all inside. People can't see me right if I don't let them. Maybe it was God's plan all along, that she would be here to comfort me, to give it to me not to disturb me or bring confusion.

So many question I have been trying to mentally reject, why did it all come to me after all these years? I don't know, it just did. It made me question everything I should believe in and thought I knew about myself. All I know is that I'm scared of this world, I'm scared in this world. I do know the general opinion on this, one day I will be able to say something like go ahead think what you like, all I know is that it was the best _mistake_ I've ever made.

 _I'm home. Everything ok. – P_


	15. Chapter 15

I pulled myself together and used all my strength to leave my bed. My bed, where not so long ago a beautiful female was pressed against my body. Where she was happy to be with me. Not having realized how stringing Sean along must make him feel makes me think about the same fact, I have no clue what Emily feels. Sometimes she comes across very confident and persistent, the other times a bit more distant and easily annoyed with me. Well I don't want to be in love with a girl, I have said I Love You to a boy once and I meant it. At least I think I did. What if its too late and this weird feeling is real love? It happened to me, she can't blame me for taking my time, right? I remember her lips on mine, I still feel them linger making me feel warm and happy. I just have to bring a finger to my lips to feel the place where it still tingles.

Sure I have had crushes before, but nothing could've prepared me for this. In the mornings I wish I could detach myself from her or hate her so everything could finally stop. Asking Sean out could've been too much for her but she stayed close.

Giggles from outside the door made me jump straight out of bed. Caleb has been my safe zone since I got here, it's crazy how quick we bonded and trusted each other with basically nothing we have and everything we have at the same time. Hanna being a ghost from the past being his person of interest should only complicate things more, up this moment that's nothing to complain about. I've learnt they would only interfere when it involved pain and tears. They are like our anchors, close to us still a little bit out of reach but will never ever let us drown.

Why did I never make it a secret towards them but rather avoid feelings with the only person that matters in my bubble? I finished getting ready for school, I ran out when Hanna's and Caleb's voice faded away. I tried quitting failed at that now it's time for the next step.

Everyone owns clothes that make you feel powerful, make you feel sexy and confident. I for once decided to wear one of my black dresses, this is a very rare moment definitely for just a school day but I feel like it fits today. Opinions are changing daily and will be very soon again so why not showing myself in a different light?

On the way to school I passed by a gay bar, even though I knew for sure I wasn't gay or bisexual I was curious and stopped in front of it. It hit me that it never bothered me that people around me could be gay, I don't care love is love. But as soon it comes to me personally, I couldn't finish those thoughts without blushing as my mind started to drift to certain toned female body parts.

Fifteen minutes before school starts, usually also the time when Emily arrives is the time I am patiently waiting by her locker with a chocolate muffin she hopefully likes. Today is a brand new day, I try to leave all of the less good things behind and focus on what really matters : keeping Emily close.

"Paige." Hanna's cheery voice announced the arrival of the Squad. I acknowledge them all with a quick wave. "Good morning Em." I handed her the muffin, she was fighting against smiling. My knees went weak, my heart got heavy. I glance in Hanna's direction for support. Her face tells me only good things, it makes me want to follow my thoughts. Thoughts of how long it's been we kissed, that I haven't got the chance yet to touch her face, things I want but can't do. I need to do something and quit standing here like a fool, staring in her eyes.

"Everything alright? You look nervous." Emily's eyes narrowed as she spoke.

"Yeah yeah I'm fine. I broke up with Sean." I read the confusion on Aria's and Spencer's face, my smile was still on my face after I told them about Sean. I kept looking in her eyes, the silence after my words was an important one and I'm sure she's reading between the lines. Well I think, I'm not very sure. What if she doesn't want to read between the lines anymore?

"I think I need to try out the next something to see if it's true or not. " I said.

"Are you saying?" "Yes." I quickly answered her. "Yes, I have to. I'm scared to make things bad between us or worse."

Before she could reply anything I already dragged her into the nearest classroom and leaned in to kiss her on her soft lips. It was an overwhelming feeling, I didn't slow down. This was my kiss, this would be our kiss, the all or nothing kiss. My whole stomach was tingling as I grabbed her by the waist to kiss her even harder. She definitely knows how to kiss somebody, unwillingly I slowly detached myself from her.

"That's what I needed to try out." I said, receiving a shy nod from her.

"I like you Emily. More than I like a friend who's a girl. I really like you." I put emphasize on the word really.

"So is this finally a yes?"

I couldn't bring myself to answer with words so I used my lips instead. I walked her to class and made my way afterwards to the exit. I made sure she or her friends didn't see me leave. I used my phone to get me to Hollis College with the shortest route.

"Let's be honest you were checking me out, weren't you?"

"Euh no ehm I just –"

"Hey, it's cool I'm just messing with you. Though I wouldn't mind if you were."

This tall curly blonde is the exact reason why I decided against this. But when Hanna kept texting me about this support group and the fact it would help me to keep Emily I just had to come check this out. I haven't walked in the room yet where this group gets together or I get ambushed already by someone playful. Not what I need.

"You're new right? Don't worry you can take your time, but I have to say it's a great thing you showed up. It's a shame for us girls to miss out on such a beautiful girl. I guess I have to thank you for letting me know you're on my team."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and she winked. Why did she wink? Was she flirting with me? Why does she assume I wanted to be flirted with? My teeth were clenched together, I was out of my comfort zone and now someone was trying to push my buttons. I just hoped I could sneak in and stay silent in the back of the room and be first one back out, guess that's another thing I failed at.

"I'm Samara by the way."

"Paige." What could I say, I was still raised polite. "I'm not really in my place here, sorry I think I should go." As I turned my back on her, I felt a hand on my arm. "Can I walk you out?"

"You're not a stalker are you?" She laughed at loud at that. I didn't wait for her to say anything as I made my way out of the building. If I was quick I could be back at school in time to wait for Emily to walk her to lunch. "You wish I was stalking you."

Damn again that wink. "Are you flirting with me?" I asked bluntly.

"That depends, we can flirt if you want."

In an instant I was fine with the harmless flirting, it took me a while to think of a reply to that but it didn't matter the silence was comfortable. Her arm slid in mine, I didn't flinch once.

"I recently started to like for the first time ever a girl more than I normally do, I thought coming here could help me find courage to stay close to her. " I started to open up to her as it was nothing hard to talk about. She was sweet and caring, not pushy or expecting much. I learnt quickly that flirting is how she speaks, her charm definitely works I couldn't look away her eyes were beautiful. I felt like she could see straight through me. Magic. All this time I couldn't breathe. Then the left side of her mouth formed a small smirk. My heart melted at the peaceful relaxing vibe she was giving me. I had no time to think long before she was again easing me into this. We swapped numbers and my phone buzzed straight away to alert a new text. My heart skipped a beat, it was from Emily.

I stopped breathing for a split second as I read the sentence many times.

" _I miss your lips for lunch. –Em"_


	16. Chapter 16

I stared at the text, this was such a huge deal for me. Every sign she sends my way means I'm doing something right. Her text also means I'm not back in time for lunch, I did lose track of time. Samara proposed to pick up something to eat along the way, about thirty minutes ago. Neither of us seemed to be in a rush to leave. She has long blonde curly hair, I start to imagine how beautiful she must look when it's straightened. Her eyes are bright blue, she showed of her flat belly with a hint of muscle through her black tank top.

Emily always looks so perfect with her tanned tone, then there's me. I was always surprised when someone very attractive showed interest in me but right now it's feeling good, Samara knows about my insecurities so does Emily and still both are fine with the slow pace I'm going at.

"This girl must be really lucky." I started to blush as she reached out to touch my hand. "I mean it."

I mumbled a quick "I don't know about that", looking at the table we're at. "I have to go."

"Okay, don't be a stranger Paige. I hope to see you again." As I got up our fingers were tangled, I was numb couldn't move not even when she leaned forward to place a kiss on my cheek. "Bye." With a small wave I was out. On my way to school.

In a way I feel more confused than before, what the hell was that? Did she just do this because I'm new and to give me confidence on the girl field or could someone like her really be interested in someone like me? I did feel at ease with her, not from the first moment but still.

I got back in time to start practice. During the first minutes I have the ball and I'm going one on one against Spencer. She's fast, she's a hyena. For some reason she doesn't go past me, I see her run straight towards me. I scream out and fall to the ground as her field-hockey stick hits my ankle. "What the hell Spencer?"

"I'm so sorry." I detected the fakeness. Coach was already next to me, taking my shoe off to inspect my ankle. "Someone help her to get to the nurse. It needs ice." Spencer and another girl offered to help me.

"It looks sprained." The nurse told me with a sigh. She bends it and I scream out in pain. "That hurts?"

"No. What the hell do you think?" I replied. I felt done, I was about to explode any moment.

"How long will I be out of Field Hockey?" I asked.

"A while." A while? I was really getting angry. The other girl went back to practice, the nurse left the room for a moment. I just looked at Spencer, she got the message and started talking to me.

"Sorry. I really didn't mean to hit you that hard!"

"That hard? That hard Spencer?"

"Yeah. I just needed you to get alone, I want to talk about Emily."

I groaned. Fantastic. Ambushing me with a damn stick. "What about Emily?"

"Are you two together? She won't tell me anything, and Hanna her double meaning sentences are giving me a headache."

"So you have suspicion something's going on between Emily and I, your friends won't tell you what's up so you just fucking hit your team mate during practice?" I shook my head aggressively. "You're crazy Spencer." I couldn't believe it.

"Oh my god what happened?" I rolled my eyes of course. Nasty trick Hastings. "Spencer here got crazy on the field." It was amusing to see Emily going crazy to Spencer over me. "I'll take you home. My car is in the lot. Help us Spencer."

Without a chance to protest I was being held up by Emily and Spencer, the way Em looked at me full of concern made my heart melt. After a long struggle I finally made it in her car.

And with home she literally meant home. "I just called my mom, it's fine you can stay here until you're better."

"That's nice from your mom but you can bring me back to mine, I'll be fine Em."

"No Paige you won't. You can't walk! Your place is dangerous. Lay down, I'll get the ice."

I complied since that evil ankle hurts like hell. "I'm so gonna get you back Hastings." I mumbled.

"What's that?"

"Nothing." Emily put a blue icepack on my ankle, instead of leaving me here she climbed on her bed next to me. "I missed you at lunch."

"I missed you too." I grabbed her hand, brought it carefully to my mouth. "Thank you for being patient with me, I just get so afraid of the talks and label thing. I'm afraid it will change who I am. But I won't let it stop me from being with you."

My ankle was still in pain but it didn't stop me from shifting slightly so I could place a kiss on her ear. "You really fine with me staying here for a while?"

"Yes, my bed is big enough for two." She smiled mischievously. Well Spencer Hastings, you might have crazy ideas but I can't deny the brilliancy of it. "You're lucky I like you." I answered.

"And you're lucky I like you and your sexy body." She winked.

After hours of laying on her bed and sleeping through the evening I couldn't help but feel grumpy. I couldn't even sit without hurting myself. And worst of all is the slow torture that's been building inside of me since I opened my eyes. As soon I was sure of my surroundings I noticed clothes being dropped on the floor. I tried to get out of bed but that bastard was hurting. "Sssh just lay down." Her voice sounded so sexy, of course I obliged.

She came hovering over me, as our eyes met I wondered if she could read my thoughts, the look in hers spoke straight to my lower stomach. She was kneeling at the end of the bed, softly stroking my legs. "How's your ankle feeling?" She asked in a husky voice.

"Good." I answered. The swelling has gone down." I swallowed, when her fingers were tracing up and down my calves.

"Oh yeah?" She was placing little kisses on my ankle. "It looks better."

Slowly she slid my shirt up kissing her way up my body, my shirt being tossed on the floor. I have never been more happy to see it go. She pressed herself gently against my body, rocking her hips ever so lightly.

She attacked my lips in a hard burning kiss of passion and pleasure. I felt myself fall for her all over again. I was desperate for more, I needed more. Maybe if I kissed her hard enough I could claim her forever. My eyes opened slowly, a single hand was trailing up my chest, her finger and thumb pinched firmly together around my right nipple.

My cheeks were slightly flushed as I saw Emily teasing herself with her other hand. I reached out to run my hands all over that beautiful body instead. My arousal was getting quite uncomfortable, I tried to move my legs but it was too painful. Emily noticing this got off me, I was met with the sexiest sight I ever witnessed in my life. I let my eyes wander over her naked half, and her almost naked under half.

Just then my phone went off. I was startled by the noise, it wasn't enough to distract me from Emily. However it seemed she was pretty annoyed with it, we tried to ignore it but it kept ringing.

"Samara is calling. Who's Samara?"

"Someone I met today. Doesn't matter. Come back here." I pulled her back on top off me. I was slightly worrying about that phone call. Why would she call me so soon? And why now? Bad timing for sure. It's the second time we get intimate like this, I don't know if more will happen this time but I'm up for this. Strange enough, this kind of intimacy only encourages me more. This is the part that makes me feel belong, everything is easier with a chick or maybe just Emily. A real connection, you feel safe and okay.

Emily pulled back with a sigh. "My mom is coming home soon anyway." I reached for my phone when she was putting something to sleep on.

" _Hey, I heard about your ankle. Are you okay? Text me if you need anything. Xxx Samara."_


	17. Chapter 17

"Hey, I heard about your ankle. Are you okay? Text me if you need anything. Xxx Samara."

I was surprised. How? Is she a real stalker?

"Hey where are you going?" Emily walked in the room busy making herself a ponytail as her eyes were scanning for something.

"I have to go to school. You can stay here."

"I have school too."

"Paige you can barely walk. Stay here it's okay, I will have a word with Spencer I promise."

"Okay but you can maybe bring me to my building? Caleb can look after me."

I got a frustrated sigh as respond. "Okay." The coldness in her words scared me. "No its okay. I can stay here." I replied.

"Thank you." She's thanking me for this? I invited her in my arms, holding her close. Smelling her hair, taking her scent in. "Em." I started. "You don't have to be the brave one here. Just talk to me."

She buried her face in my neck, every time I tried to look at her she looked away. I hated that she won't let me look at her. I understood that words were more important right now, she was trying to be brave.

"I'm scared too Paige. You may think I throw myself at you every single time but I want you for myself. If I only touch you right maybe I can lock you down somehow" She said between sobs.

"Em." I tried carefully. "No Paige. I'm sorry. I just -" Her tiny sobs were turning in heavy cries. I couldn't make out a single word after that, confused I held her in my arms. The only thing I understood is this is about me, my fault. What I couldn't do from the beginning had been going on for a while I just was too focused on myself. I have hurt her.

"Em, listen to me. I'm scared for what this exacts means and how my world will change. But you, I have accepted my feelings for you. I want to be with you and see what this could be. If this is my chance at true love, well I wouldn't miss it." I was speaking the truth. Only I've been more curious about this crazy strong attraction. What if I in fact am attracted to girls and Emily is not the god sent gift from above putting me out of all the upcoming boys misery, and telling me to stop looking because here she is, your girl? What if Emily is a stop along the way of the girls high road that I'm apparently on?

If she's not meant for me than I have to face the facts very soon with others but no not sure I can continue opening up like this if this is all just a stop, a moment.

I don't want to miss my true love. My curiosity got the best off me so I asked Samara to meet up with me as soon Emily left for school, of course not without a goodbye kiss. It feels strange being left alone in her house, this girl must really trust me.

The trash TV couldn't entertain me any longer, I have reheated everything Mrs. Fields left for me on the counter. I wonder if my parents would have allowed a stranger up in my room after not even meeting the person in question, I guess not. My parents, another factor why I have to know as soon as possible if I'm all in. You don't tell them if you are not 100%, when you say it a loud things will change. Your whole world changes. I felt restless, I decided to jump on my right foot to the front door allowing myself a bit of freedom on their porch.

Suddenly I got the feeling that I was being watched. I looked around, I couldn't see anyone only heard sounds coming from the wind. I fiddled with a strand of my hair as I told myself to stop being paranoid. The feeling settled down, I chastised myself for being so jumpy.

I jumped up to the sound of a car door being slammed. I moved my gaze up to the face that belonged to the tall female wearing a black skirt. I blinked in shock and broke my stare. "Hey, do you mind?" She pointed to the empty spot next to me. I motioned her to sit down. Controlling my pathetic thoughts was harder than I thought.

"So are your ankles having a party? Because I think your pants should come down." I raised an eyebrow. "Was that a shameless pick-up line?" That was horrible.

"How did you know I'm here? And about my ankle?" I know she tried to break the tension, she just created more. And not from the good kind.

"I was out with a friend last night, she told me about her annoying younger sisters deed since your Field Hockey Coach called her parents and when she said your name, I knew it had to be the hot Paige I met earlier."

I smiled kindly at her. "Thank you for caring."

"Always." She smirked at me. She ran her hand through her hair, making me watch. Something felt awfully familiar, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I rested my chin on my hands as I stared at her for another moment, to feel more.

She was mirroring my position, staring in to my eyes. "So does it still hurt?"

"Yeah a little bit." I said slowly.

"I was actually wondering if I could take you somewhere." She said sounding very excited, her eyes told me there was only one answer to this possible.

"I would love too, but I think if I'm not here when Emily comes home. She will kill me."

"That's a shame. We can't let that happen can we." Her fingertips brushing against my arm gave me the chills. My breath hitched for a moment.

"Maybe we can go somewhere one night when this bastard stops hurting?"

"Yeah, we can do that. Call me whenever. Just promise me you will." She said.

"I promise I will call you." We shared smiles. We fell into a silence, I was watching her hand she was watching my face. There's was something about Samara that keeps drawing me closer to her. Emily would understand, right?

"So you're staying at that girls place you told me about?" Her voice was skeptical.

"Yes, her name is Emily." I stated firmly.

"So are you two together?" She was fishing after something, she already knew about my situation what possibly could she be after?"

"We might be."

"I see." She said as she nodded with her head. "What do you say if we go somewhere now?"

"Samara, I just said-"

"I know what you just said." She cut me off. "I can bring you back before she's home. She won't know, at least not from me."

I considered her offer for a second before shaking my head no. "No I'm not doing that sorry."

"Shame." I looked at her confused.

"You're such a beautiful person Paige, it's just not nice to see you all conflicted. You came to Hollis for a reason and I want to help you. If you want me too."

I smiled. "Yes, I would like that." I was freaked out at Hollis, but now spending time with Samara who's gay and who I start to trust helping me with that certain thing is just wonderful.

"I can't wait anymore." Samara couldn't wait anymore, she was on the verge of something. What does that mean? She slowly inched her lips towards mine. Very slowly, giving me the time to decide what I want to do with it. Normally I would totally dodge the kiss, but since I have been kind of wishing for this to happen with other girls better said with her since I met her I didn't protest. I captured her lips. The kiss lingered for a moment. I kept my eyes closed out of fear and shock. Once I opened them I excused myself and disappeared inside.

I let my back slide against the front door, tears rushing down my face. Why do I never think about the consequences of my plans? I felt a feeling through my body, a feeling that only Emily had made me feel. I felt down between my legs. I cried more and more. "I like girls."


	18. Chapter 18

Okay self-pity is over now. I have no right to cry about something I have known and feared for a long time. I started to go through all the drawers that seemed appropriate going through, with a goal of course not randomly. I have two hours to do as much as I can. I wanted to let the house glow, I decided to lit the big candles on the porch. The other candles I carefully place in the living room in a heart shaped figure. I would like to think about that as our thing. I don't try to be romantic here, I have to apologize. I might need something more. I quickly reach out to the Rosewood flower shop delivery man. What's more perfect than roses?

As I waited for them to be delivered I took out my phone to send out some texts. First one to Emily asking if it's possible to come straight to her house after school and one to Samara, I had to apologize for running off like that but also thank her she in fact did her job and helped me. But I'm not interested. Wait yes I'm interested in you because you're a girl but not in you. I'm not actually saying that last bit to anyone, it's just important to have my head on the same page with my heart.

After I heard the first car approach I felt more confident than ever, after the delivery car drove off I spread out some roses on the stairs. I spread out some more on the porch, deciding to pick them up. It felt too much and too forced. Breath Paige. Breathing was done as soon I saw another car arrive. Emily's car.

"Paige? What are you doing?" I fumbled with the roses in my arms. Well the roses were making me bleed, wouldn't be worse than it was by Emily right?

"Hey." I stumbled out awkwardly. She was fidgeting with her car keys, she looked extremely nervous. She looked in my eyes, I could tell she was terrified off saying what's on her mind now.

I laid the roses carefully down and made my towards her, taking her right hand in mine. Laying my left hand on her cheek. "You remember that one girl that called last night?" She nodded.

"Well Samara came over here and then she kissed me. "

"I'm not sure I want to hear this." She said backing away from me.

"No Em. Stop." I grabbed her wrist, making sure she wouldn't run. "Don't look away." It took her a minute for letting me see her most vulnerable side in her eyes. "I was scared too. Old Paige. It's over now, maybe not completely but the biggest part is. Yes, I like girls. I'm gay. And I'm so lucky to have crossed paths with you. You're unlucky to have crossed paths with me, I have made you insecure.

You started to like this weird mess that's me and yeah it started all sweet and promising. But it's all me that drove you crazy in not the best ways. I'm in fault not you. And I'm so sorry." I couldn't contain my tears anymore, it's the hardest I cried in months.

"I have done this before but not like this, it shouldn't be a difference I know. If I make a big deal out of it, of course the people around me will too. I'm still the same person I'm only going to be stronger if you still want to be next to me. I'm aware that I took all the right wrongs so I ended up again and again in my comfort zone. I'm tired to be a drifted in every aspect of my life. Emily Fields I am so ready to fall in love with you." I wasn't fighting against my tears, I let them roll and let them come. I didn't care. I was ready to embrace the change.

"Em." I used my thumbs to wipe away her tears. "God you're so beautiful. I'm so sorry."

"Paige."

"Yeah?" I took a moment to look deep in her eyes. I took her hand and lead her up to the house, stopping for taking back the roses. I heard her gasp when I opened the door for her. "You have lighted up my world, now I'm lighting up your house. If you want to give me another chance, I will light up your world too or make you melt what you desire. Anything for you Em. I mean it."

She turned around, her mouth was a gape but nothing came out. I looked down and cleared my throat. I gave her the most understanding smile that I could, no effect. I decided to try again.

"I'm really lucky to have you in my life Emily. And I'm sure you will always be a part of me. Remember you asked me about what I'm most scared, afraid, terrified? Well loosing you. I never meant to hurt you Emily, you have to believe that. That's why I have been so careful, but it was wrong. You are way too good for me and I can't believe I managed to get the attention of such an perfect girl. " I was growing more and more nervous with every word I stumbled out.

I felt like I was about to faint any second. I'm sure she could see the sweat on my forehead. I saw her eyes linger on everything in the room. "These are for your mother." I pointed to bouquet of flowers on the table. "I want her trust and approval. Which would mean everything to me since I like her daughter."

I had no idea what to expect. This could go both ways, I had screwed up very bad. I could hear my heart beating crazy fast. I tried to swallow while I reached my hand down my pocket and pulled the little box out of it. I cleared my throat again and looked back up at her. She was looking so deeply into my eyes that I felt my knees go weak.

I opened the box to reveal a new ring. "I promised I would get you a new one." I paused.

"Please do you want to go on a date?"


	19. Chapter 19

It was lunch time and I was holding two trays, one for me and one for Emily. A big smile still plastered on my face, I haven't stopped smiling since Emily rescued me from myself once again now two day ago. Tonight is the first night I will spend back at my place, my ankle is doing alright and now we're back staying at separate places, it's time for our real date. Yesterday and the day before consisted of cooking meals with Mrs. Fields, sharing stories, watching movies, talking with Emily about anything. Because of my ankle I could stay in Emily's room, the couch would hurt too much but nothing happened beyond a goodnight and good morning kiss.

There was no need, no hiding behind insecurities we knew what we are getting ourselves into. In something beautiful, and also I couldn't betray Mrs. Fields trust. If I think about it now I don't think I will ever be able to stop smiling. She loved the roses, she was touched by the candles and my words were not that bad either. She agreed to start fresh, since we haven't dated before she agreed that's the best way to start.

I found the girls sitting on the table in the corner, I knew Emily forgot her lunch money so I decided to surprise her and pay for both. As I slid down in a chair next to Hanna I slid the tray over to Emily. The adorable thankful and surprised smile, the blush on her cheeks, the squeal of Hanna in my ears, it all made my heart squeeze.

Sitting across of her is the best way for me to take everything in. Her laugh, her smile, her eyes, the way she talks. "Eat, Paige." She told me through one of her beautiful smiles. I dipped my head and started to dig in my food. I pretty sure my eyes were shining right now. Well I am living on a prayer right now, or half way there at least.

I only looked away because there was another perk of sitting across of her. I brought my right foot up just a little so her legs were just in my reach. Ideal for light touches, just small ones. I could hide my smirk thanks to my focus on eating.

I smiled to myself when not a minute later those light touches underneath the table were being returned. I was enjoying this. "Do you want to go somewhere before class starts?" I whispered. I swear I saw her shiver. "Fine." So she's trying to keep it cool. Okay, I ate the fasted I ever had. "Let's go." I got up taking both trays with me and left them to clean. "Paige." I heard her laugh following me out of the canteen. I grinned mischievously when she kept following me, including in the bathroom.

"What are you doing?" Emily said trying not to laugh as I placed tiny kisses on her neck. I decided to be the innocent one here. "I just want to have a nice conversation with you." My eyes were flickering to her lips. Emily folded her arms in front of me. I got slightly confused, still I refused breaking eye contact. Emily brought our foreheads closer together, closing the small gap between us.

"Are you flirting with me here?" She whispered.

"Why should I flirt with you if you already know I am madly in love with you?" I whispered back oh so quiet. More to myself but I know she heard it.

I didn't dare to look back at her eyes, the silence on her part told me she realized what I just said.

"Paige." She brought a hand up on my chin.

"Paige McCullers don't get shy now." She teased.

I wrapped my hands around her neck. "Emily Fields I love you. Everyone can know it by now, the truth is I don't need to fall for you anymore. I already did in a time I wasn't ready to be with the real thing but now I want to be the best thing for you Emily."

I kissed her quickly I was about to kiss her again when someone was clearing her throat. "That was a great show, I'm so happy I followed you guys out. I totally ship this. Would you mind if I take a picture? Caleb would be so happy to see this too." I was temporarily blinded by the flash of Hanna's camera. I heard Emily chuckle next to me.

"See you tonight?" I gave her a quick kiss on her cheek and made my way to one of my few classes without Emily. But it did had Sean in it. I haven't seen him properly in so long.

"Hey Paige is it true?" Some girls from Field Hockey called me. "What's true?" I responded. With the way I received the look, I knew what's up. I was carefully turning my hands into fists. Just say it, I thought. "That you and that Fields girl are together?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that question, I know Emily isn't one to fool around and I know I won't make a mistake like that but I kind of was planning on asking her tonight. "Would it be that bad if we were?." That was maybe the best thing I could say at that moment and that's what I did.

I looked at their eyes trying to look what's behind it. I didn't see any disgust written on their faces instead they just walked away, revealing Sean. In my opinion still the most handsome guy in the entire school.

"Hey." I said as I slowly walked up to him. He wasn't walking away so that's a good thing. "Hey. I thought you were dodging me at school." He said with his kind eyes.

"No. I wasn't. I haven't been at school for the last couple of days, I had hurt my ankle pretty bad." I swallowed. He swallowed.

"So I guess Emily?" He said looking away.

I nodded. "Yeah she's the girl."

"So you're gay?" He whispered carefully.

Here it comes I thought, the first time of many to come. I took a deep breath and tried to answer as best as I could, with this time being clear and saying the right thing, always a big challenge for me.

"I don't know who I will fall for in the future, boy or girl but right now there isn't anyone else that makes me feel so happy and in love than Emily. I really want to be with her, not to experiment but a real relationship. I think we can do that."

I let the smile come out on my lips when he smiled at me. I guess I gave a good satisfying answer. And for sure crazy stupid in love and it's brilliant and it's only just the start.


	20. Chapter 20

I was standing there ready on the street. Waiting to be picked up by the hottest girl of the state. It was easier for her to pick me up since she has a car and she said having no problem with being here.

"Reservation for McCullers." I said as the waitress lead us to a small table outside. Our table made us slightly isolated from the other guests. Our menus were already at the table we sat in silence while reading the menu.

"Okay, I think I will have the pasta with seafood and of course large pizza as the main dish." I said putting down the menu.

"Yeah I will take that too." Emily said smiling at me. "So how long did it take for you to get ready?" She asked in a teasing voice.

I laughed. "3 hours. And then I was lucky Hanna allowed me to leave early. First there was dress shopping followed by hair and makeup."

"I'm glad she didn't scare you away."

"Never." I said, reaching out to hold her hand.

"Hello, how are you tonight? Are you ready to order?" Said a pretty waitress, but as soon she started talking I wished she would shut up. I saw that Emily was even shocked as me when she heard the high pitched voice. We gave her our orders and then the waitress left.

I noticed Emily her hand was still resting on the table, I placed mine protectively on top of it. "I'm glad you allow people to see you in the way I have always seen you." She said.

"And what way's that?" I asked.

"I have always seen what's underneath the scared, confused woman. A beautiful caring person with a big heart."

"Thanks Em." I said, squeezing her hand.

"Here your drinks." I gladly accepted the drinks, but not letting go of Emily's hand. We stared at each other for a moment longer.

As we walked to her car, my heartbeat started to speed up. Soon I will be dropped off and we will have to end the night. Should I kiss her? Of course that sounded logic. We have a wonderful time, I'm sure she agrees. Emily complimented my restaurant choice twice, well I do know my girl loves pizza and Italian. Our knees touched under the table, small touches in the open. I wasn't being delusional this time, it was a successful first date. Then again, we knew it would be. There was a time not so long ago we were moving fast now we're at the same page.

"I'm sorry what did you say?"

"I asked if you want to go to your place now?" She said with a knowing smirk.

Automatically we walked inside my building my hand firmly wrapped in hers. We were sitting on my bed a few inches from each other, Emily immediately kicked of her shoes and tucked her feet under her body leaning towards me. "I'm really glad you took me out tonight."

"So am I." I said. I was feeling nervous, sensing this I got calmed down by her lips. Her lips were soft, demanding occasionally added tongue. I felt delighted that she seemed as eager as I felt. Maybe more eager as she grabbed the front of my shirt to pull me closer. I wrapped my arms around her waist pressing my body against hers. My thoughts were becoming less coherent. Her hands moved into my hair, I took her lower lip between my teeth. I let out a little sighing moan when her nails dragged along my neck.

All reasonable thoughts exited my head, I pulled her impossible close laying down in the process. We both started to moan and pant while our hands were running over each other's body. I thought I might explode when she climbed on top of me, straddling me. Her lips were on my neck, biting, I tried desperately not to buck my hips against her. Trying not to scare her. I couldn't help the moan that escaped me as she nibbled on my earlobe, feeling her hot breath on my neck. I never felt so happy or euphoric in my entire life. It felt crazy the insane path I had to take to end up here. Losing my parents, my brother who had to go to college, no family close, I had no choice to move away to some place it was possible for me to start over. From day one of school my Bluetooth connected with Emily's. Meant to be.

She was in my arms, pressed up against me and it felt so perfect. "Wait."

Emily pulled back clearly confused. "What's wrong?"

"I wasn't planning on doing this on our first date. I want to be respectful of you, doing things right this now."

She put her hands on my face, forcing me to look at her. "Paige. I love you. And you love me, we're in this together for a long time, we won't walk the same path as last time. Don't worry about that."

"You're right. I do love you."

"But yes we definitely can safe this for date number two." We both laughed then her face quickly became serious. "Can I stay the night?"

"Yes." I choked out.

When I came back out the bathroom I slipped behind Em in bed. I brushed her hair at the side making room to kiss her shoulder. I couldn't resist reading the text she was typing. I felt my cheeks blush as I realized she was sending a group text to her friends about me.

"Em." I said, seeking her attention. "I need you. Now." My heart sped up even more if that was possible. I leaned back and pulled her on top of me, tossing her shirt a side. Now this was really happening. Anticipation and terror rose within me. "Wait."

"I have never done this before."

"Me neither."

We smiled up at each other as crazy kids and went for it.

"Good morning love." We were still undressed lying side by side doing nothing just spending time stroking each other arms cuddling. "Did you sleep well?" I asked.

"Yes." She said not looking at me. This was another glimpse of Emily than the take-charge taking passionate woman of last night. She was blushing. I pulled her closer. Kissing her face. Last night had been the best night of my life.

When I first entered her, I was finally one. It started all careful until Em quickly became impatient. From that moment it was pure bliss.

"So what's next?" She asked me.

"Well I propose we spent as much time together as we possibly can and make this town hell this state incredibly jealous."

She had a goofy grin on her face. "Yeah I'd like that."

"And, I don't want to scare you, if you're uncomfortable with it just tell me but maybe we can go see my parents? I haven't been there in a while because I was ashamed but maybe I can introduce you?"

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. "Yes, I'm not afraid anymore to say it at loud. To say mom dad, I like women and I have the best one right here." I said kissing her hand. "And too apologize." Her lips wiped my tears away.

"Only on one condition." Any trace of tears or laughter or pure bliss left my face on those words. "I'd like us to be exclusive."

"We are." I said. She looked surprised by my quick answer. I saw the amazement in her eyes. "I'm yours."

"I'm yours too." She said above a whisper."

I had never felt this way before. It was practically from the moment I had met her that my mind had been in overdrive. With Emily it was always the extremes, now I felt calm, settled, content. I was warm beside her. I felt secure, no need to hold on her tight to keep her hear. I believe her when she says, she will be here.

I know that we will have bumps along the road but right now and in the near future, she was mine. I was hers, that's all I needed at this moment.


End file.
